The Smashers Go To Washington
by Andre Dmitri Garrett
Summary: After a long break, the Smashers have returned for the third Humor Trilogy installment. And problems are as numerous as bad Wii games: Pikachu's started world domination, Adam has come for Link's head...oh, and Congress wants to destroy all video games.
1. Mansion's Back in Business

Disclaimer: Screw disclaimers. This is a fanfiction site.

The Smashers Go to Washington:

The Third and Final Installment of the Humor Trilogy

Chapter 1

Mansion's Back in Business

"SNAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

The call echoed throughout the mansion, one of anguish and frustration. But Snake had not been tragically abused or found dead in one of his games. Actually, when it happened he was sitting in the kitchen, lighting a cigarette with a satisfied smirk on his face.

Next to him, Olimar and Falco had been discussing ship engines when the distress call went out. They looked over at Snake as he took a long sweet puff from his death stick. "Hey Snake," Falco called. "What did you do? Because if Palutena or someone comes through here with murderous intent, I want a head start."

"Oh I wouldn't worry," Snake assured, the smirk still on his face. "He won't be able to do anything to me, or any of us." The call of Snake's name went out again, and he let out a sigh in appreciation.

Olimar recognized the voice. "What, is that our author screaming at you?"

-The Scene of the Crime-

"_DARN YOU SNAKE!_" Andre roared. He was furiously typing his frustration onto his keyboard at the secret agent. "You show up at my house and clog my toilet for no reason! WHY? How are you embarrassing me when _I'm_ the one writing the story! I sure don't remember typing in you clogging my toilet!"

-Back at the Mansion-

"Wow," Falco commented, looking at the above text. "Was that really necessary?"

"Maybe," Snake replied. "He did take forever to get started on this installment, and I need the paycheck for smokes. Plus the readers can think of it as vengeance for taking so long."

"I meant the fourth wall breaking."

"Oh. Probably."

It had been a peaceful time at the Smash Mansion, or as peaceful as the mansion got when they were actively involved in destruction and mayhem. Master Hand had as of yet to be swallowed by Kirby again and was doing his job in keeping the mansion in one piece; Mewtwo served as his personal assistant in helping to keep Crazy Hand under control. Thankfully, Master Hand knew the words that made his sibling lose it and pass out.

"Green compliments red," Master Hand stated. Crazy screamed before dropping to the floor, twitching. "Well, now that we have that out of the way, let's get to bookkeeping. What are the records from last year?"

Mewtwo turned to the records, using his psychic to pull out a book that could have crushed Bowser. "The records of last year," Mewtwo began. "ESRB tried to take over us. We teamed up with Sony and Microsoft to take them out. They were eventually stopped by the Great Miyamoto and Iwata. During this time, Kirby spat out you, Roy, and me."

Master Hand and Mewtwo shuddered as they remembered how long they had been lost in the vortex of Kirby's stomach. After assuring himself that he wasn't still lost inside Kirby, Mewtwo continued. "Roy stayed as a gardener, and I became your PA. We were subsequently attacked by a virus caused by the 360's red ring of death. It was defeated by...do I really have to say it?"

"It's the record," Master Hand insisted.

Mewtwo sighed. "It was destroyed by a giant fireball that was the result of Pit adding too many candles to a birthday cake. During this time, Mark the tactician of Fire Emblem was hired as security since he's smart enough to make me wonder if he's psychic. And now it's the new year," Mewtwo finished. "Sir, if I may? We still have plenty of problems to address from last year that never fixed themselves."

"What problems? The mansion's experienced a peace it hasn't felt since the Red Ring of Death two months ago," Master Hand said.

"Pikachu still believes that he is the dictator of the next world order, the assassins from Assassin's Creed are worshiping Kirby to the point that he's now the head of their order, Captain Falcon is still a menace, and then there's Pit," Mewtwo reminded.

"The first three I understand. What's wrong with Pit though? I thought he grew up."

"That's the problem. Now that Pit's matured and dating Palutena, there's no one to act as a censor here in the mansion. The assassins are fighting Pikachu's forces, Ike and Lyn aren't wearing anything more than bedsheets, Mario and Peach have cut their time to every three minutes, Marth is holding frat parties naked, DK is in a siege with Yoshi for the bananas, the children are at war to fight bedtime, ROB has been stripped for parts..." Mewtwo trailed off as he glanced behind Master Hand. "And Crazy just went streaking."

Master Hand didn't say anything at first, but stopped and thought about it. "This is supposed to be why we have Mark. Why hasn't he silenced this all yet?"

"He's super smart, but he can't fight to save his life."

"...Why did I hire him?"

"To predict trouble. He did," Mewtwo pointed out. "He even sent you several letters, e-mails, and even a smoke signal to get your attention, but you were busy trying to keep Crazy from streaking. You failed at that too.

"I hate my job."

-Elsewhere in the Mansion-

"This is pointless," Mark determined.

"Come on, you have to let us guess," Zelda insisted. She, Isaac, Link, Samus, Ike, Lyn, and Pikachu were around Mark, trying to guess who his girlfriend was. Ever since Mark had burned Marth by admitting he had a girlfriend (and Marth didn't), the mansion had been curious as to who Mark was dating. They hadn't had any success in guessing; Marth was convinced she was made up.

"You have a .06% chance of correctly guessing her name. A 0% chance of me admitting it if you do guess correctly," Mark explained. He was supposed to be helping stop the mansion's chaos, starting with Marth's frat party. Instead he was playing a guessing game that was completely one-sided.

Pikachu jumped onto Samus's shoulder. "Pika pika!" he told her. _We must have this man as our general, Samus!_

"I thought I was your general," Samus pointed out.

"Pi pi. Pikachu!" Pikachu retorted. _You were promoted to my right hand. Now help me find out his girlfriend so we can use her as blackmail!_

Samus was a little disturbed by that. Obviously Pikachu was getting a lot better at understanding what was necessary in order to conquer the world. And she really needed to make sure that Mark didn't become Pikachu's strategist. The genius might be amoral enough to go along with it if he was blackmailed. And Mark wasn't exactly beatable when it came to strategy.

So when Pikachu jumped off her shoulder, Samus took Link by the hand to lead him off for a private conversation. Pikachu's ears twitched in confusion as the others continued guessing Mark's girlfriend. Finally the Pokemon called out, "Pika pi pika!" _Where are you going? Your time with your sex slave can wait until later! I heard you last night when I came to ask on the troops anyway!_

Guessing Mark's girlfriend froze as nearly everyone in the room turned towards Link and Samus. Both were acquiring a red tint to their faces, visible only on Link. A second passed, and then the two took off as fast as possible in order to get away from the others. Zelda cleared her throat politely to change the conversation, and struck up a conversation with Lyn. "So how goes your ideas for bed sheet fashions?"

Lyn accepted the change and began explaining a new dress she had designed. Ike grunted and drew his sword. Isaac accepted and they headed off to the training area.

Mark had been the only one not shocked by Pikachu's choice of words; he had predicted such activity already. But it did provide a proper distraction for him to escape and attend to his duties. Now he had to stop a frat party. Quietly, Mark headed towards the power conduit for Marth's room; lack of light and music would calm things down. He texted his girlfriend on the way there.

Meanwhile, Link and Samus had successfully fled somewhere private for their conversation. "What's wrong?" Link asked.

"It's Pikachu. I'm starting to think that his chances of trying to take over the world are getting better," Samus explained.

Link frowned. "But his army's dead. They died fighting the ESRB. I thought we didn't have to worry about that anymore."

"That was two stories ago; our author's not big on waiting long enough for humanity to revive itself," Samus explained. "Besides, Pokemon Black and White came out in Japan. There are bound to be new fans he can equip with machine guns. Which is something else we need to figure out."

"So we're secretly working to undermine Pikachu," Link replied. "Samus? That might be harder than just the two of us."

"Oh come on. It's just Pikachu; of course we can stop him. After all, we're both top smashers," Samus pointed out. She also refused to admit that she would need help from anyone other than Link. He could Mary Sue, and Samus was no small force either.

The door opened up to reveal Pikachu, sitting on Mark's shoulder. "Pika ka!" Pikachu shouted cheerfully. _Samus, guess what? Mark has agreed to be our general! My reign is assured!_

Mark's face was still blank. "Agreeing means the mansion remains calm," he explained. Samus at least knew that Mark was somewhat amoral now. Pikachu and Mark left Samus and Link where they were, presumably to help plot Pikachu's plan to take over the world.

Link made absolutely certain not to look smug in any way. Otherwise, Samus would blame it on him. Seeing Mark working with Pikachu made it easier. Samus sighed and rested her head on Link's shoulder; he sagged under the weight of her metallic helmet.

"Okay, so maybe we are going to need help. Master Hand might be a good place to start," Samus muttered. Link patted her shoulder, even though he wasn't sure she could feel it. He knew, as well as Samus, that nearly everyone in the mansion would want to stop Pikachu from successfully taking over the world. But there were only a few who could really help cripple that goal.

"Let's go see Snake," Link offered. "He can use strawberry jam to stop Pikachu talking to his minions, right?"

Samus sweatdropped; Link had never had mass communication explained. But he had the general idea of communication jamming down. "Close enough; let's go," Samus said. They headed off towards Snake's room to begin their recruitment phase.

-After Having Gathered Their Allies-

Link really did know how to pick private spaces.

Samus had always suspected him of disappearing off back to Hyrule or the training room. Nope, Link had an easier answer. He would pop off into the Twilight Realm, where Midna was always willing to unleash dangerous beasts to make sure her friend was up to snuff. Samus was confused and jealous at first; hadn't the mirror been destroyed (and why was he going to another girl for privacy?) but Link had explained it.

"The mirror got better, " he stated. (Hello, Soundwave!)

So with Midna granting them her conference room for their meeting, Samus looked out on their recruits. Snake had been first; the mercenary had been bought in exchange for Samus taking a fall in a match. Trainer Red had signed up as well, being very well accquainted with Pikachu. Zelda had been unable to join their cause, not giving a reason, but had done them a favor and gave them Kirby—which gave them the Assassins. The remaining two were Ike and ROB; Ike had experience in guerilla warfare and ROB could access electronics to cripple what Pikachu might be up to.

Link was in the corner of the conference room, surviving against Midna's new horror. Midna was sitting in as well.

"First, we're glad you all are able to help. Pikachu as a world dictator could not be good in any sense of the word. He only ever wanted it at first because of inifinite treats," Samus began. "And now he's somehow managed to convince Mark to help him out. Mark makes this really scary, so we'll have to find out how far things are going to progress. Snake, ROB, you'll be in charge of electronic warfare against Pikachu. Find out what we're up against and disrupt his systems. Kirby, have your assassins keep an eye on Mark and Pikachu so we know where they are at all times. Red, you're with Link and me; we're going on our first assignment. Any questions?"

Midna raised her hand, slapping down Snake's hand with her magic. "Do you guys have a name?" she asked. Obviously, the Twilight Princess doubted a yellow mouse could invade her realm.

"Of course we do," Red insisted. "We got them from birth, duh." The eleven year old thought himself pretty clever, until Midna used the Fused Shadows to steal his pants. She smirked as Red scrambled for something to cover with.

"What about Blocking Overt Operations Basically," Snake muttered, lighting a cigarette. Samus and Midna glared at him, and Midna stole his pants as well. Snake simply kept smoking his cigarette. Red thought about it for a moment, and then he giggled at the acronym.

Ike grunted. "Sane Brigade," he muttered.

"Lord Kirby's Elite," Altair offered.

"Lord Kirby's Great," Lucy chided. The two assassins snarled and began fighting for Kirby's amusement, who watched them blankly. _What were their names again_?

Link finished killing what was trying to rip his flesh off and joined the conversation. "Sane Brigade works," Link voted.

"Fine; it's just a dumb name," Samus said. "Now let's get to to work; like I said, Mark is so genius it's creepy. There's no telling how far he's advanced Pikachu's ambitions."

A Twili ran in and knelt at Midna's feet. "Your Highness, tanks have appeared at our borders," he reported.

Midna stared at him in disbelief; the Sane Brigade sighed in frustration. Mark apparently worked very quickly. "Well crap; how did they get into the Twilight Zone?" she demanded.

"Mark figured out how to using the TV show," the Twili explained.

"Come on," Samus called to her troops. "Time to get out of here and stop Pikachu." Link opened the portal back to the normal world, and the members of the Sane Brigade ran through so they could begin stopping a yellow mouse aided by a teen genius from taking over the virtual and real world using instantly trained Pokemon fans as shock troopers.

"This is like a Twilight Zone episode," Snake grumbled, finishing his cigarette.


	2. Problems are Like Rabbits

Chapter 2

Problems are Like Rabbits

Mark, having finished convincing Lyn and Ike they should wear clothes and not bedsheets, returned to the basement of the mansion to continue work on Pikachu's plans. It was all very logical in Mark's mind. If he helped Pikachu take over the world and see that it wasn't worth it, then Pikachu would get over this phase of his. And if a couple hundred thousand people died in the process, Mark wasn't really concerned. His job was the mansion's security, not the world's. Besides, Mark had been responsible for the destruction of multiple armies before.

Of course, there was the probability that Pikachu might want to stay world dictator. Mark was preparing for that as well. He had already put in several countermeasures that would cripply Pikachu if he did stay as world dictator. Also aware that several smashers would doubtlessly try to stop Mark from helping Pikachu achieve his dream, Mark was setting up a trap to catch them. They couldn't interfere until after Pikachu was world dictator. Otherwise, the mouse wouldn't realize it was pointless.

X

Above the basement Link, Samus, and Red were preparing to curry Master Hand's favor to stop Mark from assisting Pikachu. It was a very simple plan; Red would go in crying like the kid he was. Master Hand wasn't good with children, and Link would 'walk by' and suppose Master Hand had made Mark cry. With Master Hand confused and distressed, Samus would arrive as the voice of reason. She would assure Link it wasn't Master Hand's fault and comfort Red from crying, too. Relieved, Master Hand would be grateful to Samus and more willing to assist her in stopping Mark.

"You ready, Red?" Samus asked, glancing over. His 'reason' for crying would be that he had lost a pokeball.

"I guess. Crying's not really my thing," Red explained. He did have some image to maintain. What would the Pokemon world think if their awesome champion was a crybaby?

"Then get crying already and run in there," Samus told him.

"But I'm not crying. I just can't bring myself to do it," Red insisted. "Even when Yoshi did adult things to Charizard and it resulted in a baby Mew, I couldn't cry. I was just angry."

Samus frowned. That wasn't much of a crying situation to begin with. That was just a confused one. The bounty hunter sighed and folded her arms. If Red couldn't get crying, then their entire plan was in jeopardy. She thought for a while, and then turned to Link. "Well, we can't really just sit around and wait for him to start crying. Link, you're going to have to make him cry," Samus told him.

Link's eyes shot up. "What! Why on earth do I have to make him cry? Why can't you?" he asked. Red had a bad feeling about this.

"Are you kidding? I can't make a kid cry? Do you know how terrible I'd feel about something like that?" Samus questioned.

"And how bad do you think I would feel? Just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I have emotions too! What kind of Hero goes around making kids cry? I wouldn't even know where to start!" Link defended. "Look, neither of us wants to make Red cry, so maybe it should be one of us."

"All right," Samus admitted. "You can't be the crier; Master Hand would be disturbed. Plus I don't think you can cry. But a woman crying would rattle Master Hand as badly as a kid. And I am a woman."

Link nodded in agreement. Samus was a woman; oh, he _knew_ Samus was a woman. A very gorgeous, sexy woman who—Link stopped himself before he could get started. This wasn't the time, and Red was right there. He waited for Samus to change into her zero suit so that the crying would be more apparent to Master Hand. "Okay then. Can you cry, Samus?" Link asked.

Samus tried for a moment, thinking about her loss of the baby metroid. It got her close, but she was a tougher nut to crack than she had expected. Samus eventually gave up with a sigh. "No, I can't bring myself to," Samus conceeded. "Link... you're going to have make me cry then."

"What! NO! That's worse than making Red cry! I'm not going to do that to you, Samus," Link refused. He absolutely drew the line at making Samus of all people cry. Not only were they in an intimate relationship and he cared for her, making Samus cry was like offending's Pit innocence before he matured; death was signing your name on his role call. "Why do I have to be the one who makes everyone cry?"

"That's what it comes down to, Link," Samus said, shifting her weight from one hip to another. Link recognized that as her way of saying do-it-now. "Either you make Red cry, or you make me cry."

Link turned towards Red with an appraising look.

Red quickly realized that his life might be in mortal peril; he hadn't become champion through pure luck. Quickly he thought of some way to stop Link from reaching for the Master Sword. "Wait! Link, you don't have to be mean to Samus. Don't women cry when they're really happy?" Red asked.

"That's a stereotype," Samus objected. "Besides, it's a different type of crying. Master Hand would pick up on it immediately."

"He's a disembodied floating hand who had been stuck inside Kirby for several years," Red retorted. "Come on Link, it's better than being mean to me or Samus."

Link thought about it for a moment longer, hand on the Master Sword.

Then Link sighed and lowered his hand; Red sighed and felt his heart complain. Link thought hard. He wasn't exactly the romantic type who could make a girl cry throught niceties. Granted, he'd never tried but that was because Link knew exactly what he was good at. Sensing a bokoblin several miles away was his skill. The will to make people cry was not.

However, Link did have one idea up his sleeve, something he'd been saving for later. Either this would work and Link would be a genius. Otherwise he'd look like an idiot. He took a deep breath to prepare himself, leaned into Samus, and whispered into her ear. "Samus, I love you."

Samus's eyes widened, and Red could see the bliss form on her face, but Red had no idea what was being said. Link continued to whisper things to Samus, out of Red's hearing distance, but the effect was blatantly visible. No sooner had Link finished than Samus burst into tears of joy, wrapping Link in a killing embrace. She gave him a kiss and then headed down the hall, sobbing happily with a smile on her face. Somehow, Red was uncertain that Samus was supposed to be smiling when she cried. Link also had a massive smile on his face, as though Ganondorf had been neutered.

"What did you say?" Red asked, curious.

"Secret for later," Link replied.

A figure approached them from where Samus had gone by, dressed in some sort of uniform. "Did you two just make Samus Aran cry?" he asked threateningly.

Link's eyes narrowed in suspicion; he hadn't seen this guy before. Neither had Red, reaching for a pokeball. "Who are you?" Link asked.

"General Adam Malkovich," the man answered.

Link thought for a moment. Hadn't Samus once mentioned an Adam to him? He thought for the longest time as Adam stared him down, trying to connect the name with stories. Finally his mind caught it. _That's right; Adam Malkovich had been Samus's superior and father figure. It makes sense now!_ Then Link paused. Adam had seen Samus crying, and was blaming it on them. He remembered Samus's mention of Adam's combat skill.

Adam Malkovich brandished a steel pipe in one hand and a laser gun in the other. "Crap," Link muttered.

X

Samus gritted her teeth. Her previous moment of boundless joy had been squashed when she had made it to Master Hand's office and stepped in.

Somehow, Master Hand had been ambushed and captured by a team wearing black and yellow uniforms; Samus could only assume that these were some of Pikachu's new soldiers. She recognized them, too. It was a five man team consisting of Reploid Zero, Altair, Snake, the Black Knight, and Gardevoir. Each of them had significant strength to begin with, but together in Mark's team they were a pain. It didn't help that Samus didn't have her power suit, either.

She leapt out of the way of Zero's saber and shot him with her tazer, stunning him. Samus ducked a blow from the Black Knight and fired her tazer into his groin. With two of them temporarily out of the fight, Samus turned towards Snake and Altair. "I thought you guys were on our team!" Samus shouted. "I thought you wanted to stop him!"

"Hey, with Mark running things it should be peaceful with no actual world changes," Snake replied. He fired his rocket launcher, Samus avoiding it at the last minute. "Plus I'm in charge of Special Forces now."

"And he has assured Lord Kirby of his own place within the new order!" Altair preached, diving at Samus. She caught his wrist at the last moment, shoving Altair into Gardevoir before the psychic pokemon could wipe her mind.

Altair turning made sense to Samus. He and the other assassins were a little touched when it came to their Lord Kirby, so it made sense that Mark would exploit that to turn the assassins against her. But Snake... she'd thought the old mercenary had been against people ruling the world. What had Mark said to convince him otherwise? The guy couldn't be that smart, could he? He had predicted crazier things.

Samus lashed out with her whip, not hesitating to strike Snake in the groin before blocking Zero's saber. Then she jumped up, still blocking Zero, to avoid the Black Knight's attack. Where was some backup when she really needed it? Wasn't Link supposed to be barging in right now, accusing Master Hand of making her cry? She slipped up for a second when she remembered what Link had said to make her cry, and nearly got taken out. Samus steeled herself. She had to make it out of this because of Link. Not to mention it would look bad if the third seat lost a fight against people ranekd way lower than her, even if she was handicapped.

But still, where were Link and Red?

X

Link and Red lay on the floor, beaten bloody by an untouched Galatic Federation officer. Link didn't know why he had done so badly. Usually he was at least able to get in some sort of a hit even if he did lose. None of his strikes came close. Maybe it had to do with some unconscious refusal to hit anyone who was important to Samus, even if it cost him physically.

Or maybe it was that even as the wielder of the Triforce of Courage, Link was still scared as piss of Adam.

With both Link and Red properly punished for making Samus cry, Adam lowered his pipe; he'd broken the empty gun banging it against Red's spine. "Now that you two are taken care of, I can find this Link who wants to date Samus," he muttered.

"But he's Link," Red protested, pointing at Link.

Adam spun around towards them. "You're Link?" he raged. "You're want to date Samus but you made her cry?"

Link gave Red a look as Adam came to murder him. "Yeah, that's my fault," Red admitted. Link groaned and then willed his poor broken body to run away in order to save it in the long run. As Adam gave chase after Link, producing a double-barreled shotgun, Link wondered where Mark was. Wasn't it his job to deal with things like this?

X

Mark had bigger problems at the moment. Marth's frat party had moved, but even though Marth's apprentice, Popo, was leading everyone in a beer chugging race (how on earth did Marth think it was a good idea to give a thirteen year old _beer_?), but something worse had happened.

Pit had returned home to the mansion.

Mark had known Pit had been utterly innocent before. Now he was the opposite.

When Mark entered into the frat party, he found Marth screaming his lungs out to a hardcore rock song with a dozen other people—one of them being his apprentice, Popo. But the obvious party spot was where Pit was. Mark headed towards him in order to see what Pit was up to.

Mature and eager to experience anything he could, Pit had a bottle of vodka in one hand, an old fashioned tobacco pipe filled with marijuana in the other, and a sweatband with LSD capsules on his forehead. Mark waited for himself to register in Pit's vision, which was made evident when Pit stopped and blinked. "Hey, Marko," Pit greeted slowly. "You're not a girl, are you?"

"No," Mark assured.

"Good," Pit slurred. "Because I—I—I—I am sick of girls hitting onnn meh! I belong—hic—to my Lady Palutena!"

"Pit, would Palutena want you doing all of this stuff?" Mark asked.

Pit stopped to think about it, which took about 6.735 minutes according to Mark's mental math. "No, she wouldn't. Okaaaaaaay, I...I stop now. But first, whare are da fangirls?" Pit asked. Upon hearing a drunk Pit call them, the fangirls in the party raced towards Pit, eager to steal him away. Instead, Pit pulled out a pistol and shot several of them at point blank range. That got rid of the rest of them.

"You B$%!" Marth swore, seeing the carnage. "What did you cap them for? We was going to have a pedicure session together later!"

"Teach them to lay me off," Pit mumbled, stuffing his gun back into his robes. Mark didn't say anything, but headed off. He had to write reports, hide bodies, and bribe reporters now. And then there was the fact that while Pit might not waste himself again, he was using a pistol now. Mark sighed to himself; this was worse than that trap he'd set for Master Hand. He wondered how that was going about now.

On his way back to the office, Mark noticed someone standing at the door. He paused and used his brain to determine they were from the government.

"Subpoena for the mansion," the government employee explained, holding out an envelope. That wasn't good; where was Pit when Mark needed him?


	3. Falcon Back, Falcon Black

Chapter 3

Falcon Back, Falcon Black

Mark had made several calls.

First, he had announced to the mansion that they were to stay on the grounds while the top eight had a meeting. Second, he'd delayed Pikachu's plans and told the assassins to wait on their targets until he gave the order. Third, Mark had Master Hand's guards retreat and leave Samus be. With all of that out of the way, Mark had been ready to attend the meeting himself, calculating that Link would be able to survive long enough to reach the meeting and be spared death from Adam's bloodied pipe.

There was one problem with that idea, however.

"Falcon Kill Mark!"

Captain Falcon had escaped from therapy again. And this time, he wasn't come after Link.

Falcon had been thinking again. And yes, it was not the good type of thinking. While in therapy he had learned that Mark had a girlfriend. But since no one had been able to guess who it was, Falcon's mind determined that it must be the ultimate woman. Now would be a good time to look over the four Truths that govern Falcon.

The First Truth: Captain Falcon was black.

The Second Truth: All women were Captain Falcon's, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

The Third Truth: His undergoing therapy was actually lie to torture Captain Falcon into surrender.

The Fourth Truth: Link must die for stealing Samus and brainwashing her.

Of course, Captain Falcon never had any chance of killing Link. Every time he tried to ambush Link, the Hylian detected him and then knocked him around a little. Not that Captain Falcon would surrender to the evil so called 'hero.' But now, Captain Falcon had discovered that Mark had stolen a woman from him too. And in Falcon's mind it was the ultimate woman. This disturbed Falcon greatly; how had Mark done it?

Then Falcon remembered that Mark was a tactical genius. He must have brainwashed this mythical lady as well; perhaps he and Link used the same brainwashing company. But eventually it all culminated in the Fifth Truth. Like the fourth, it was simple, if extended: All men who stole women from Falcon must die. And he was going to start with the man who inspired the Fifth Truth.

Mark had quite a few advantages over Link, though. Mark had a photographic memory, hyper observational skills, and a genius mind. He was also ruthless in exterminating his enemies. So Mark had predicted Falcon's eventual attack long before Falcon had even discovered the Fifth Truth. But there was one major detail that left Mark in trouble.

Mark was a tactican. Mark couldn't fight his way out of a broom closet.

"Falcon Kick!" Falcon shouted. Mark didn't even have time to raise his hands up before he was blasted into the wall. Already dazed and not quick to recover, he didn't see Falcon again until it was too late. Falcon grabbed Mark by the tunic and threw him into a hall table, breaking it and scraping Mark's exposed skin. Mark reached for his short sword to defend himself, trying to think through the haze of pain.

Falcon appeared in his sight and Mark swung. But even with his ability to predict where Falcon would be, Mark had nowhere near enough skill to actually hit him. It frustrated him a little; to know what was going to happen but be unable to do anything about it. He stopped thinking about it when Falcon struck Mark in the head with a table leg.

Already at his own limits Mark staggered to his feet, grip slack on the short sword. He looked up to see Falcon preparing his trademark move. "Falcoooooon," Falcon started. Mark brought his sword up into a solid defensive position, knowing that he lacked the strength to enforce the block. Falcon's fist blazed forward, phoenix forming. "PUNCH!"

The hit snapped the blade in half before continuing into Mark's gut. He doubled over, frozen for a moment, and then jerked backwards like he'd been grabbed by a grapple beam. Mark soared before hitting the end of the hallway, breaking parts of the wall and collapsing unconscious. Falcon ran over to Mark and readied to punch the fool for brainwashing his woman with a lethal strike.

Falcon was about to punch when he stopped. Why kill Mark now? He needed to know who Mark had brainwashed so Falcon could save her. So instead, he picked up Mark's body and headed off for a safe place to interrogate the evil genius, unknowingly taking with him the subpoena Mark had in his pocket. "Falcon black," Falcon muttered to himself.

X

Mario, Samus, Fox, DK, Pikachu, Kirby, and Pit were waiting for Link and Mark to show up to the meeting. Samus was rather upset with Link; he was supposed to have showed up to Master Hand's office in order to continue their plan. That way she would have had some backup against the team that were guarding Master Hand. Instead she'd been left out on her own in her zero suit. As much as Samus hated to admit, she would eventually lost if not for the retreat that she suspected Mark had ordered.

Pikachu was obviously worried that his right hand woman was injured, and was offering to execute whoever had dared to attack his subordinate. Samus had shrugged it off, stating that it was from training. Pikachu had believed her without concern. Kirby was staring at Samus too, but she doubted he was even aware that he had switched sides in their private war agaisnt Pikachu's order. If Kirby was aware, Samus doubted he would remember it for much longer.

Off to the side, by Ezio who was serving as Pikachu's bodyguard—and giving Samus dark looks—Pit was starting to recover from his side effects of being on three different types of mind altering things at once. The angel was sipping coffee in an attempt to fight the hangover that was forming. For some reason, he had a pistol in the front of his robes.

"So Pit-a," Mario began, waiting for Link and Mark to show up. "What's with the-a gun?"

"As Captain of the Guard, I realized with my maturity that Angel Land was too weak. We need to step up our game if we're to stop Medusa. That evil goddess will rise again, and I will stop her! Palutena will NOT be captured again!" Pit shouted, slamming a fist on the table. "Down with Medusa! Her and those blasted Commies I keep hearing about?"

Mario raised an eyebrow. Pit did know Russia wasn't Communist anymore, and China wasn't hostile to Nintendo, right? Then again, the plumber supposed, Pit was an angel too; it had taken him this long to add a pistol to his long ranged arsenal of bow and arrow. "I-a take it that you-a still absolutely-a love Palutena?" Mario asked.

Pit's stern expression fell away at once into a dreamy state. "Yes," he sighed, daydreaming. There was a long pause as no one else was willing to say anything. Finally, the sanest man in the room stood up and commanded attention. Rather, the sanest animal.

"That's long enough," Fox declared. "Mark is a creepy genius, right? There's no reason for him to call a meeting and then not show up unless he wanted us dead. And since it's been six minutes, we can rule that out. And what about Link? He only misses a meeting when he's killing Ganondorf."

"Maybe Ganondorf's up to something, then," Samus grunted. She knew her boyfriend. Once a boy in Hyrule had a nightmare about ice wolves. Link was killing wolves and parading their corpses around town five minutes later. But even though Link was very dedicated to his job, he usually left her a note.

"Ganondorf's not up to anything," DK interrupted. "I saw him on my way here; he had just come back from meeting his Gerudo hair stylist."

Samus's irritation with Link started to fade away into concern. Perhaps Link had a legitimate reason for not showing and backing her up at Master Hand's office. What if something had come after Link, and he was fighting for his life? Perhaps a new enemy, or someone who actually had the means to kill Link? Samus shook her head. This was Link she was thinking about her. He could Mary Sue the crap out of anyone. Surely he'd be along any minute now, and he would fine as day.

The doors blew open, and in staggered a beaten and exhausted Red. Everyone stood up in shock at his injuries. "What-a happened, Red?" Mario demanded.

"Samus," Red gasped. "There's a guy...named Adam...he's chasing Link with a pipe..."

_Crap,_ Samus thought. _Link is _not_ as fine as day. Adam, what are you up to now?_ "Thanks Red," Samus said. She activated her Power Suit before turning to Mario. "You should go find Mark. Something's wrong if he's not here already."

Then the bounty hunter took off running, using her suit to locate Link. She'd secretly installed a tracking device in the one piece of clothing Link was never without: his hat. It was working, but was damaged. Adam must have been in quite a mood. Samus leapt over King Dedede and Metaknight, shoving an assist trophy aside, and headed straight for Link and Adam.

She finally found them in the back corner of the mansion. Link was on the floor, having given up on running but also unwilling to hit someone who was important to Samus. It had resulted in the hero being beaten to an inch of his life, with the remaining inch about to be blasted out of him by the biggest gun Adam could find. His pipe had been broken over Link's legs a while ago.

"Adam!" Samus shouted, coming to a stop. Adam turned around, pointing his rifle reflexively as Samus pointed her arm cannon at him. Adam narrowed his eyes when he saw her, slowly lowering his gun.

"Samus Aran. Lower your weapon," Adam ordered. "Power suit or not, I can still kick your butt if need be."

Samus didn't even flinch. Behind Adam, Link had the biggest look of relief on his face that Samus had ever seen. "What do you think you're doing?" Samus shouted. "That's my boyfriend you're about to kill!"

"So not even you're about to be boyfriend, and he's making you _cry_?" Adam shouted back, pointing his rifle at Link. Link paled; the rifle wasn't pointed at the head with a brain. He remembered Falcon. He didn't want that.

"You don't get it! Link wasn't hurting me! That was a good cry," Samus retorted.

Adam blinked; not even he understood what that was about. "A good cry? You're not telling me you enjoy being insulted, do you? Or is this one of those woman movie things? I thought you hated those," he commented.

"You're misunderstanding still!" Samus shouted. "Think about this, Adam. Link is the second most powerful person in Nintendo, even deadlier than me. Do you really think you got the drop on him because you scowled at him?" She looked behind Link, who was looking to her for help. She had to get him out of this somehow. "And do you really think I would let him shove me around anyway?"

"There was that TV reporter who said he beat you," Adam remembered.

Samus would have murdered that reporter if Kirby already hadn't. She glanced at Link again. "Obviously you don't get it until it's beaten in your head," Samus said, gritting her teeth.

"You can't beat me, Samus," Adam pointed out.

That was true; Samus had never defeated Adam in a one on one combat scenario. It wasn't that he was strong, but that he knew her better than she knew herself. Samus tried to think of something else, but it was hard with Link all bloodied; it was turning her on. Trying to ignore her bloody Link fetish, Samus caught the answer.

"Link," she called. "You have my permission to beat some sense into Adam."

Link's eyes widened. "You sure?" he asked.

"Positive; he could use it. Just don't kill or maim him," Samus ordered.

"Samus, he's a bloody mangled wreck," Adam objected. "He couldn't stand up if his life depended on it." There was a tapping on Adam's shoulder, and he turned around to see Link in perfect health, courtesy of a fairy. Link's fear was being blocked by the Triforce of Courage, and he drew the Master Sword, eyes narrowed. "That's not fair."

Link swung and knocked Adam through three walls. He grabbed the ball and chain in one hand, held onto the Master Sword in his other, and charged after Adam. Samus watched as she heard gunfire and Link's shouts. It wasn't Ganondorf he was fighting, Samus decided; Link wouldn't do serious damage to Adam. Deciding to burn that bridge later, she turned to help the other top eight look for Mark.

X

Mark was not pleased with his situation.

Falcon had him strapped to a chair in the basement. While Mark knew how to evade the chains binding him, he lacked the energy to do so, still in pain and injury. Falcon had a home run bat in his hands and had been using a smash on Mark's knees each time he refused to give up his girlfriend's identity. It was excrutiating, but Mark refused to give a name. He had assured his girlfriend he would keep their relationship a secret as much as possible, and for Mark that was that. Just as he had promised to make Pikachu world dictator.

"Tell me my woman's name! I'm black!" Falcon shouted at Mark yet again. Mark said nothing but stared blankly back at Falcon. So Falcon swung again, hitting Mark's knees and flinging him backwards. Falcon pulled the chair back onto its feet and headed off to the side.

Mark did some quick math. He had predicted that some of the Smashers had to know he was missing and that Falcon had escaped therapy by now. With his genius mind, he had predicted that they would show up soon. The question was whether enough it was quick enough to keep his body intact. He was already going to need a wheelchair for a while now.

Falcon shattered a steel crate and made a makeshift knife. Evil forces had once robbed Falcon of his manhood. It had been a crime against the universe, so Falcon had decided anyone who would steal his women deserved it. It would also help to loosen Mark's tongue before he killed him. He turned around and headed for Mark.

Mark did quicker math. "Your fly's undone," he called out.

Captain Falcon put his makeshift knife down and proceeded to check and recheck his fly. It was made more difficult by the fact Captain Falcon didn't have a fly. By the time Falcon had finished assuring himself it was up again, Mark had gained three minutes. But his predictions were quickly turning against him. As Falcon raised the knife to eliminate Mark's manhood, Mark did something he rarely did.

Mark, an amoral calculating too smart creepy genius, prayed. He prayed hard.

But then he stopped praying as Falcon was about to bring the knife down. "You wish to know who my girlfriend is?" Mark asked.

Falcon stopped and looked at Mark critically. Was this some last joke by the evil villain, he wondered. Then Falcon heard a gun cock behind him. "Put the knife down and step away from my boyfriend or I feed you your balls," a female voice ordered.

Captain Falcon went with option B.


	4. A Subpoena is the Least of Our Worries

Chapter 4

A Subpoena is the Least of Our Worries

Coincidentally, it was Marth and Popo who found Mark first.

Knowing that they would need more manpower to find Mark—despite an order of assassins and Pikachu's might-or-might-not-exist army, not to mention the top eight—Pit had gone back to Marth's frat party to ask him for his help. Marth had agreed on several reasons. One of the first was that Mark was Marth's friend, and friends helped each other. The second was that he needed to know whether or not Mark was lying about having a girlfriend.

Marth and Popo stormed into the basement, sword and hammer ready, looking for Mark. They heard noise down the stairs and ran to see if Mark was all right. When they got there, though, the situation was all under control.

Mark had been cut free from the chair and was rubbing his wrists, restoring feeling to his limbs. Nearby, Captain Falcon was laying on the ground, knocked out and in the fetal position. Evidence of a massacre was everywhere.

"Mark you okay boy?" Marth asked, completely ignoring Falcon and stopping his friend. Popo joined his teacher, using his powers to apply ice to a bruise on Mark's forehead; the tactician was grateful. "Snap, you look beat up as I ever seen."

"A likely possibility," Mark agreed. "Falcon ambushed me and I was unable to defend myself. I nearly lost my manhood if not for excellent timing."

Both Marth and Popo cringed at the thought of being neutered, remembering what had happened to Falcon and what had nearly happened to Mark. "Snap; you lucky we got here. How'd you stop him?" Marth asked.

"Wait, I thought Mark couldn't fight," Popo commented.

"Correct; I didn't stop Falcon. He was attacked and defeated in turn before he could mutilate me; my girlfriend was too strong for him," Mark explained calmly, as though stating math problems.

Marth's jaw dropped and Popo's eyes widened. Marth's mind ran through list of facts. First, Mark had been trapped in a situation that he couldn't escape himself. Second, his captor had been utterly defeated. Third, Mark had claimed it was his girlfriend. Fourth, no one else was there... "She was here and I missed her? #$%#$%^#%$)*  
%^*&$%*" Marth howled. "That means she is real!"

"Obviously," Mark confirmed.

The incredibly loud and long swearing brought the Top Eight—minus Link, who was still engaged with Adam—down to the basement. Like Marth and Popo, they ignored Captain Falcon's motionless body and looked to Mark's injuries. While none of them had the same reaction as Marth, news that Mark's girlfriend was not imaginary was substantial.

"What did she-a do to-a Falcon?" Mario finally asked, glancing at him. He would have to be dragged back into therapy sometime.

"She struck him with enough raw power that it slowly and excrutiatingly castrated him," Mark explained. Every man in the room, including Mark, groaned and protected themselves. Kirby, who didn't have such things to worry about, walked over and poked Captain Falcon awake. It took a bit of poking, but eventually the crazed racer was awake. He rolled over, looked at Kirby with the most pathetic expression, and mumbled, "...falcon..." Kirby screamed and turned into a rock to protect himself. After suffering cruelly at ROB's ignorance, somebody had castrated Falcon again. Except this time it had been down with malicious intent.

As the only female present to maintain order, Samus fired her cannon at the ceiling for everyone's attention. "All right, everyone. Let's get back up to the meeting room so Mark can properly tell us what was so important," she instructed. Samus glanced over at Captain Falcon, who had begun crying softly. Even though she had been ruthlessly Up+B by him once, Samus didn't think he deserved to be castrated _twice_. "We'll get ROB to drag him up somewhere and keep him there."

Right on cue, Kirby burped and ROB came out. The robot gasped for breath despite having any lungs, it's parts starting to melt inside Kirby's mysterious digestive track. Samus sighed; what else had to be going wrong right now? At least they had gotten Mark back without too much injury. If he had been put out of action, there would be nobody to talk sense into the craziness.

The top seven that were there headed back up the stairs towards the conference room; hopefully Link and Adam would be done with their manly issues and Link would be able to join them. If not, as much as Samus loved them, she was going to have to beat them with a crowbar.

Marth and Popo stayed behind with Mark to help him out. They pulled him to his feet, and then a revelation came to Marth. "Snap!" he shouted. "Mark, your girlfriend saved you."

"Correct," Mark agreed.

"And then we showed."

"Correct."

"She still here then? Where she at? I want to holler and ask her how she put a boot in Falcon's head so hard there was an earthquake," Marth asked. He and Popo looked around wildly for any sign of Mark's girlfriend, seeing nothing but the shadows.

But the tactician wasn't to relent that easily; he had nearly been neutered for her. After something like that, questions were going to deter him. "I'm not telling you her name," Mark insisted. "She requested I keep it secret, and I will."

"That's enough, Mark," a girl's voice called. The three turned to see a figure approach out of the shadows. Mark smiled and moved forward to meet her, limping because of his injuries. "You nearly died because of that. I'm not going to let it happen again."

Mark's girlfriend put a hand on his shoulder and turned to face Marth and Popo. Both of them were slack-jawed. Finally, Marth recovered. He seized Mark by the shirt and lifted him into the air, shaking the tactician fiercely. "You son of a b#$! You be dating outside our company!" Marth shouted at him. Although Popo would never tell Marth, he thought that was hot; after all, Popo _was_ bisexual. (Revealed in The Red Ring of Death. I'm so going to heck for that).

Marth's shaking of Mark continued until Mark's girlfriend slugged Marth and dropped him. She grabbed on Mark's shoulder to stop him from tumbling over as well; Mark reminisced about when tacticians weren't physically intensive jobs. "He's already beat up, you idiot," his girlfriend shot at Marth. "Leave him be."

Popo also thought that was really hot.

ADG

Samus decided to check on Link and Adam before she joined the meeting room. It wasn't hard to find them. Thanks to Link's second seat status and Adam's access to explosive weapons, they had destroyed an entire section of the mansion. This time, even though Link had taken blows, he had hands-down beaten Adam Malkovich; the Hero had even pulled out his old friend the Megaton Hammer at one point for the job.

Both of them were sitting on a stack of burnt wood, not saying anything and staring at the ground. Finally, Adam shifted, ignoring the pain that emerged when he did. "Not bad," he muttered. "I suppose it's late in coming, but I give you my permission to keep dating Samus."

"Thanks," Link grunted.

"But I'm keeping my eye on you," Adam warned. "You hurt her, and well... you have to sleep sometime." Link felt a small tinge of fear, hoping their definitions of hurt were the same. If they were, then Adam had nothing to worry about. But if Adam's perceptions were skewed, _Crap_.

Samus found them sitting there shortly afterward. "Got it out of your systems?" she asked. Both men nodded. "Come on Link; we've got a meeting to attend. And Adam, I'm glad to see you again."

Adam gave Samus a small gestured as Link stood up. "You got work to do; get going," he noted. Samus nodded and gave him a thumbs down before taking off with Link. Adam sat there a while longer, and then looked around at the destruction they'd caused. Then he took off, looking for Solid Snake. He needed a cigarette.

Meanwhile, Link and Samus were back on track for the meeting when they were sidetracked again. This time it was by a very panicked looking Zelda. Samus watched as Link predictably went into Hero mode, drawing his blade and ready to murder Ganondorf in seven ways. As if by magic—and it probably was—Toon Link was there a second later, equally prepared. Samus sighed and shook her head. Some things about Link never changed.

While the green capped heroes inspected the perimeter, Samus joined Zelda. "Hi Zelda," Samus greeted. "What's wrong?"

"Samus," Zelda began, biting her lower lip. "I have a problem. A really, really big problem. I'm..."

"What?" Samus asked.

Zelda glanced around and then moved towards Samus to whisper it. "I'm pregnant," she confessed.

_Crap_.

Link's elven ears picked up the comment, and it was evident in his stance. The Master Sword fell out of his hand, clattering on the ground. Thankfully, Toon Link had been too busy to hear what Zelda had said. He didn't miss the shocked expression on Link's face and Samus's stunned posture. So he ran over to be the hero.

"What's wrong guys?" he asked. "Can I help?"

Link opened his mouth to assure his brother/self/complicated relation that everything was fine, but Samus beat him to the punch. "Yeah. Could you bake Zelda a cake?" she asked.

Toon Link shrugged; didn't they remember the last time he tried to bake something a cake? Nevertheless, he would succeed this time! "I can do it!" he cheered, and ran out of the room. Five minutes later he, Ness, and Lucas were playing fighter jet.

"You're pregnant?" Samus repeated once Toon Link was gone. Link picked up the Master Sword and joined them, still stunned.

"I don't know how it happened!" Zelda cried. "I mean, Isaac and I never did anything like that. The only way we could have was three weeks ago when... oh no. When someone spiked our punch at that Christmas party." She looked horrified and scared at the same time. Samus swore an oath under her breath to get the guy responsible.

ADG

Somewhere in the mansion, Ganondorf felt as though he'd acquired a death wish. Had someone figured out he had given Pikachu the idea to become world dictator? He'd meant it as a joke at the time...

ADG

"So Isaac doesn't know?" Link asked. Zelda shook her head. Link took a breath to clear his head and think clearly. "Well, I guess you should tell him first. That's be the smart thing to do, right?"

Zelda nodded mutely, the Triforce of Wisdom aiding her in her decisions. It was times like these Link wished he could impart some of the Triforce of Courage's power, but all he could do was stand strong for others.

"Don't worry," Samus assured. "We'll keep the secret. You need anything, you know how to find us."

"Thanks," Zelda said, tears in her eyes. She tried to shake them free. "Go on; I'll talk with you later."

Link and Samus left for the meeting room once more, wondering if they'd actually make it. In Link's mind, he couldn't see how it could be about anything worse than everything that was happening in the mansion at that point. He was going to have to start lifting a lot more on his shoulders to help make sure everyone got through it in one piece. He glanced over at Samus, who returned the look. He couldn't see her face through her helmet, but he felt reassured nonetheless. At least he still had Samus by his side.

They arrived at the conference, where Mark was waiting to give them the news he'd received before being attacked by Falcon. He started with a quick run-down of the mansion's status; it was as terrible as ever. Then he moved onto the important news about the subpoena. The entire mansion—fighters and assist trophies, including employees—were to be in Washington in two days for a special hearing. Mark predicted it would have to do with their existence. Compared with what they had dealt with before, this wasn't that bad.

"So we-a have to get the entire mansion to a hearing in-a two days?" Mario asked. "Does anyone else have a bad-a feeling about this?"

Everyone raised their hand. Kirby was about to begin a speech on why couch cushions had a spicier taste than philosophy when he was interrupted by Fox. The pilot didn't want to have to deal with any more insanity than he usually did. "We'll just rent a couple buses," he offered.

"What about getting to the real world?" Pit asked. He was fiddling with his pistol as though he'd had it all his life. "The only way I know of is painful and annoying."

"There's a shock," Samus muttered to Link. He shrugged his agreement, but there was nothing they could really do about it. The author refused to do it because Snake clogged his toilet.

The real shock came three minutes later. Marth and Popo were gathering everyone they could, and this included the top either. "My fellow smashers! I have a proclamation for you all!" Marth declared.

"Just say it already," Lyn ordered.

"Woman! I will say it when I'm ready! Don't rush me or I will use your blood as dye," Marth threatened. Lyn rolled her eyes; she was used to Marth's threats by now. As long as she didn't steal his shampoo, he wouldn't actually carry them out.

Marth cleared his throat before continuing. "I know who Mark's girlfriend be," he announced.

Several people were impressed; others were skeptical. Still more wondered why they needed to know; Kirby only wanted to know if she might taste good. Ike, who had been sitting on the couch with Lyn, adjusted where his sword was laying and called out to the enigmatic prince. "Just tell us already," Ike grunted.

"Why don't I introduce her?" Mark asked. The room swiveled to where Mark had appeared. Next to him was a pink haired girl that a majority of the smashers recognized. "Everyone, this is my girlfriend, Lightning Farron."

…

None of the smashers really were certain what to say. Should they remark on that Mark hadn't been lying, or the improbability that they had been dating? Lightning broke the silence first. "What are you all staring at?" she asked.

In the back of the room, Wolf struggled to keep silent. But the renegade pilot couldn't help himself, and ultimately he gave in. "So Mark," Wolf called. Attention turned to him. "Have you ridden the lightning yet?" Eyes turned again as Lightning glared and marched towards Wolf with sword in hands. Even still, Wolf couldn't help but feel that comment would be worth it.

He hadn't heard about Falcon yet.


	5. Travel Guide to Washington

A/N: I know it's been a while, but I felt my quality had slipped after going back and reading To Be Rated Or Not. So I have been working on improving that. Here's to that hoping.

Chapter Five

Travel Guide to Washington or In Other Words Foxpilot I'm Making a Really Big Chapter Title Again But You And PitFTW Don't Have to Worry Because As It Turns Out I Was Planning Not To Have This Story At The Mansion This Time Around So You Guys Can Enjoy Yourselves

"So let's get this straight; here are our travel arrangements," Fox began. Link wondered why Fox hadn't been put in place of first seat. He was the only sane one left, after all. Mario was busy every six minutes, Samus had a fetish for a bloody Link, DK was obsessed with bananas, Pikachu had dreams of world domination, Kirby had eating disorders and a group of fanatic assassins, Pit was turning underworld assassin on them, and Link would admit he had a little problem with his hat being touched.

If Fox ever lost it, they were all screwed. Thankfully, the vulpine only seemed to grow more sane the more the rest of them lost it.

Fox continued on with what he was saying, ignorant of Link's thoughts. "We'll split up into five groups. Two from the top eight will be with each of the four main groups, which include the Smashers and Trophies. Mark will lead the fifth group of other employees, like Crazy, Roy, and Mewtwo. Each of us will have to find some way to cross over into the real world so that we can get to Washington. And don't forget, we only have two days to get there."

Mario scratched his head. "Maybe I'm-a missing something, but aren't we-a usually more prepared after-a having-a Mark with-a us?" he asked. The lead Smashers looked around for their security guard, but he was missing at the moment. Since Lightning wasn't around, they had to guess they were having alone time.

The top eight divided themselves up to their buses. Mario and Kirby, Link and Pit, Samus and Pikachu, and Fox and DK were the team leaders. This way, everyone was with someone who was a little less crazy. At least, that's how they hoped it worked out. It would take all kinds of help to save Kirby, since he suffered from the most issues—though not necessarily the biggest issue.

Five buses pulled up for the five groups, and they started getting on. Link waited to say goodbye to Samus before leaving her to head a group of Smashers with Pikachu onboard. Samus spoke first. "So take care of yourself," Samus insisted. "I refuse to arrive there and find out you're dead. Again. And I don't care if you keep reincarnating."

Link only smiled and nodded. "You be careful, too, Samus," he asked.

Samus sighed, gave up on trying to be strong, and hugged Link. Normally he wouldn't mind such a hug, except that in her power armor Samus tended to forget Link's golden gauntlets only made his arms stronger, not his lungs. Eventually she let go of him and glanced behind him at the bus Link was in charge of. "Oh, and go easy on Isaac," Samus advised.

Confused, the Hero of Just About Everything turned around to see Isaac boarding his bus. The adept's eyes widened at being spotted and he scrambled aboard so quickly it took Link awhile to realize that Isaac was terrified of Link. "What would I do to him?" Link asked.

"You're the Hero of Hyrule, and he knocked up Zelda. He's scared you're going to kill him," Samus explained.

"But it wasn't his fault."

"Does he know you know that? What happens when someone other than me touches your hat, Link?" Samus questioned. Link thought hard, but he couldn't come up with anything. Anytime anyone other than Samus touched his hat, he blacked out and came to with blood on his hands. He ultimately shrugged in answer. Samus sighed. "Well, what would you do if it was his fault?"

"I couldn't kill him," Link explained. "Hyrule law states that since Zelda likes him, he would only be beaten, imprisioned, beaten, beaten some more, wished he could be executed, but since there was a baby, he would eventually become ruler. And beaten. But I don't blame him."

Samus stared at Link. His country wouldn't execute Isaac for that type of thing? Weird medieval peoples; they always ended up marrying each other. "So what would you do instead?"

"Since it wasn't their fault, I don't know," Link admitted. "But most likely they will be married. And maybe beaten."

"Link!"

"What Samus? It's true," Link admitted. "Besides, this technically makes him a royal, so I have to protect him now, too." As if just realizing that statement, Link's eyes widened and he raced onto his bus, locking the door and making spikes protrude out the sides to run off attackers. Link stood halfway out the ceiling emergency exit, Master Sword ready to go.

Samus sighed, but only after she saw Pit leaning out a window with a pistol. "Worship Palutena or die, dogs!" Pit shouted at the world. Samsu turned to get onto her bus. She wasn't sure who was more screwed: Link's bus...

"Pika pika pi!" Pikachu shouted at the bus driver._ Let us be on our way to meet with this government who thinks they can impose on my empire!_ Upon closer inspection, she realized the bus driver was wearing a black and yellow uniform with a gun at his side.

...or her bus.

With everyone on board their buses—or mobile therapy units—each of the five took off in a separate direction, hoping to reach the real world and Washington in two days' time. Would they make it? Probably. Is it going to be a normal journey?

Let's face it. It wouldn't be a Humor Trilogy story otherwise.

-Mario and Kirby's Bus-

"Okay, so where should we-a try then?" Mario asked. They had been on the bus for four hours now, trying to reach the real world.

"To Kirby's lands," Altair answered immediately.

"No, we have to find-a Congress and find out what-a this is about," Mario corrected. Altair grumbled, and the Assassins began making plans to assassinate Congress so that Kirby could rule in his rightful stead. Mario sighed; he was supposed to get an entire bus to the real world? They were so screwed.

Mario walked up towards where the bus driver was. He looked up and saw a sign up ahead that they were indicating a city. Mario didn't know any cities that they had been along their current route, so either they were on the right track, or they were in a different console's land. Mario was about to read the city's name when someone called his name and he turned around. It was his sweetheart, Peach. "Mario," she called. "Yoshi has to go. And I mean really badly. If we don't stop soon, then he's going to lay eggs all over the bus, and heaven knows what that would do to the children."

By children, Peach meant Ness and Lucas. Neither of them would have been haunted by Yoshi egging up the bus; they had been _part_ of that system. But that didn't mean they were all for the bus being egged. As far as Ness was concerned, the only person who got to egg vehicles was him.

"Lord Kirby demands sustenance!" Altair informed everyone. The bus groaned; they had been told that ten minutes ago. Kirby always demanded sustenance. Rather, he mentioned he was hungry and the assassins went on a hunting spree.

"Everyone be-a silent!" Mario shouted. "There is-a city up ahead. We can-a stop-a there for a break, okay?"

There was a general round of yes. Mario waited as the bus came over the hill and the city came into sight. Something was wrong. Unless the real world or other consoles were highly strange or at work on a project, cities generally didn't seem like the site of an apocalypse. Mario had a bad feeling about this place.

Kirby of all people eased his fear. "It's okay," he assured. Granted, Kirby wasn't too bright, but he was adorable. Mario decided to ignore the feeling as the bus came to a stop and everyone piled out for some stretching; Yoshi went straight to the bathroom.

Curious, Kirby looked around for a city sign to tell him where he was. He found a damaged, hanging sign that read, 'Welcome to Raccoon City.'

-Link and Pit's Bus-

"You worship _who_, fool?" Pit shouted at the being, shoving a sword at him. "Punishment upon you for your blasphemy! Palutena is who you should worship!"

"And who is this Palutena?" the other asked, terrified.

Pit's eyebrow twitched. "You shall burn with Medusa for your sins!" And with that comment, Pit executed the poor individual who had no clue who Medusa was.

Zelda sighed as she walked over to Pit, followed by an entourage of Young Link, Isaac, Ganondorf, and Link. It was definitely an odd entourage; Isaac was terrified of Link, Ganondorf was terrified of Link and knew more about raising babies than anyone else there, and Link was foaming at the mouth towards any possible threats. It had completely escaped his attention that Ganondorf was with them.

"Pit, that was uncalled for," Zelda explained.

"He refused to worship Palutena and lied about not knowing her!" Pit defended. "How could you _not_ know Palutena? She's the greatest, most amazing, beautiful, nice, sweet..."

Zelda let Pit drabble onwards about his goddess that he had recently entered into a relationship with; at least this way he would stop killing people. Only three hours into their trip, Pit had killed their bus driver for not being devoted to Palutena, and they had swerved into a strange portal. An hour and a half later, they had emerged where they were without a clue as to where it was. Now Pit had killed someone in front of a large crowd; that was going to cause issues.

Certainly enough, a bunch of people with strange looking guns were coming towards them. Link's mouth foamed as he grabbed the Master Sword, holding it menacingly at dozens of rifles. Before Pit could bring down holy judgment or Link could 'protect' anyone, they were stopped by a voice one of them recognized.

"Toon Link?" a voice called from the wall of guns. The young swordsman looked up to see a face he didn't recognize so well. He frowned, and stood on his head to get a better picture. Suddenly he looked much more familiar upside down.

"Mister Garrus!" Toon Link greeted happily, falling over. He ran towards the Turian gave his leg a hug out of excitement. "It's good to see you again! What are you doing here?"

"What are you guys doing here?" Garrus Vakarian asked in return.

"Where is here?" Zelda asked. She and Ganondorf had Link and Pit by the collars so they couldn't perform their duties.

"Here is the Citadel of the Council, the seat of power in the galaxy," a man answered. "I'm Commander Shepard of the Normandy, and this is my favorite chapter in this story."

-Samus and Pikachu's Bus-

Samus had several bad feelings at that point.

Not only was their bus staffed by troops in an army that was probably controlled by Pikachu, a castrated Falcon on board, and were lost, she was certain that somewhere on the bus were four of the five on Mark/Pikachu's elite team. Obviously Altair was with Kirby, but she was certain she had spotted Reploid Zero, the Black Knight, Snake, and Gardevoir there at some point. They were most likely there to make sure she kept in line. She idly wondered if Pikachu knew of this.

To top it off, it was where they were that frightened Samus the most. Something about the place they were at just...disturbed her worse than anything she'd been through before. And that included having Falcon use Up+B against her. Lyn, who was on her bus with Ike and served as her best allies, felt it too. It was like it was targeting women only. Perhaps Gardevoir felt it.

The bus came to a stop at a gas station to refuel, but there was no one in sight. Samus came out in full armor, gun held at the ready. Pikachu jumped to her shoulder. "Pika?" he asked. _Is something wrong?_

"Yeah, something doesn't feel right," Samus muttered. "Everyone be at the ready; something is wrong here."

"You don't have to tell me twice," Lyn replied.

"...falcon..." Falcon cried, wandering aimlessly. As if summoned by Falcon's pitiful state, people came from nowhere to greet their visitors. Samus wanted to shoot on sight; these people looked way too happy to be normal. Was there something in the air or water here?

Then the answer became clear. Horrified, frozen with fear, and disgusted at the same time, Samus and Pikachu watched as their leader came forward. Samus's insides twisted and she felt sick; she would rather be fighting Ridley, Mother Brain, even have Link fall off a cliff and end up in a body cast than face _this _monstrosity.

"Welcome to Barbie World!" Barbie greeted.

Samus, Lyn, and Gardevoir screamed.

-Fox and DK's Bus-

Their trip had been relatively quiet so far. Fox had traded in the bus for Metaknight's ship, and they were traveling through space through a wormhole. And despite having Marth and apprentice Popo on baord—Nana was starting to feel concerned for her twin brother now; she had wanted Popo to have a true friend, not a frat brother—things were going smoothly.

Fox approached Metaknight at the helm. "How much longer until we're out of this worm hole?" Fox asked.

"Not much longer," Metaknight responded. "We should be exiting at any moment." Behind Fox, DK grumbled his satisfaction with that. The ape had gotten space sick when they first left orbit. ROB had been mopping the entire time.

Sure enough, the wormhole ended in a bright flash of light, and the _Halberd_ exited back into space... and five hundred feet from a giant space station.

Now a basic physics lesson. In space, there is no friction or resistance to slow you down, so the _Halberd_ would still be traveling at high speed. Momentum wise, the amount of energy needed to slow and stop the ship from hitting the space station would be momentum equals mass times velocity. Basically, they're going to hit the thing.

"REVERSE! REVERSE!" Metaknight shouted, slamming the engines into reverse as hard as possible. Fox yanked on emergency brakes as DK was thrown about and felt sick again. The ship's contents were thrown about as the _Halberd _tried to slow. But hitting the station was inevitable, and the ship bumped roughly into it.

Thanks to some handy deflector shield work, the majority of the damage was mitigated; Metaknight was still upset that DK had hurled more banana onto his bridge, but that was easily mopped up. ROB was the real victim here.

"Well that was close," Fox muttered. "Whose space station is that anyway?"

Coincidentally, inside the station, the Dark Lord of the Sith glared menacingly at his lieutenant; Bastila had been holding out on him and causing this change. "Who just rammed my Star Forge?" Revan demanded.

-Mark's Bus-

Mark, Lightning, Roy, and Mewtwo stared at the cat in front of them. Crazy Hand was peeing on a tree, her leash having slipped from Roy's fingers. "Welcome to Wonderland," the Cheshire Cat grinned.

"Wonderland," Mark stated. "The end of logic and therefore my effectiveness. Crap."


	6. Marking the Infection

Chapter 6

Marking the Infection

Mark stared at the Cheshire Cat as Roy went chasing after Crazy Hand, trying to get ahold of her leash again. On either side of him, Mewtwo and Lightning stared as well. Hey, if you saw a giant grinning cat in real life you would be concerned too. Finally Mark broke the silence, turning to Lightning. "I'm sorry," he stated, "But my ability in madness is highly limited. I'm only good with logic and Wonderland's logic is continuously absent."

"So we stuck then," Lightning muttered. Roy screamed in the distance; he had secured Crazy Hand's leash, but she was dragging him through a patch of glass flowers with enough force that the glass was splintering all around him. Mewtwo sighed and went to rescue him. "Wait," Lightning began. "Wonderland is part of a book written by a person, isn't it? So shouldn't you be able to follow whatever logic he had?"

"Possibly," Mark admitted. "It might be off, though. Probability states that he was nuts when he wrote this, among other things."

"Just try it for now. We can always change things up as needed," Lightning insisted. This was why they both got along so well. They both tried their best to be level headed people. Granted Lightning could lose her temper and Mark... let's not go there, but they did try hard to fair to each other.

Mark nodded and turned back to the Cheshire Cat. "Cat, which way will lead us to the real world?" Mark asked.

"Oh, one of these two ways," the Cat answered, gesturing to a path on either side of him. Mark didn't let himself be deterred. Off even farther away, Mewtwo was screaming alongside Roy; now Crazy Hand was trying to scalp their bottoms.

"Which path is the shortest?" Mark added.

"That one, then," the Cat told him. He laughed and disappeared into smoke. Lightning and Mark took the path the Cat told them.

Five steps later, the path ended.

Lightning and Mark traded looks; Lightning's look was sympathetic. Mark had been beaten at his own game. And this was Mark; the genius tactician that entire wars had been fought over. He had predicted in his head the entire fight against the Red Ring of Death Virus, but here in Wonderland Mark was robbed of his only skill. And so help them if that pushed Mark over the edge. Lightning had seen Mark angry once. That had not been good, especially for the anger's reason.

"Well, he said this path leads in that direction, right? Let's just follow it and cut down anything that gets in our way," Lightning sugggested. It was a path of logic; Mark could follow that. They continued, only briefly wondering where the other three were. Considering they were in Wonderland, they would probably reappear later.

Finally, after three days time and trekking for miles across deserts, cliffsides and jungles, Lightning and Mark arrived back at where they had been before. The Cheshire Cat was back again, grinning at them. Seriously; does anyone else find that creepy? "Oh hello again," he greeted. "Did you find your way and are back to visit?"

"No," Mark stated. "Do you know the way to the real world at all?"

"I can't say I do," the Cat replied, teeth still showing. "But there might be others that can."

"Who are these others?" Mark demanded.

"That's for you to discover. You won't grow if I tell you everything," the Cat teased, and disappeared until only his eyes remained to stare at them. Before Mark could think about getting angry, Lightning grumbled her own frustration and led Mark on. The Cheshire Cat was as confusing and irritating as a Fal'Cie Focus.

Together the couple traveled a ways until they heard laughter up ahead. Lightning peered around the corner to see that they were in time for the Mad Hatter's tea party. At least, Mark was estimating that the tea party had just started. As the two came up to the table, Mark could see a sleeping dormouse being used as a travel pillow by the Mad Hatter, while the March Hare was singing an unbirthday song to the Mad Hatter.

But most importantly, Mark could see Crazy Hand was singing alongside the March Hare. Of course Crazy Hand would thrive in a place like this. That gave Mark an idea. He might be lost here, but Crazy Hand practically spoke the language. He would use her to get them to the real world. So he sat down at the tea party as the four already there switched chairs. Lightning sat down next to him.

"It's rude to come uninvited," the Hatter declared to the couple.

Lightning glared back. "Seat was open," she pointed out.

"That it was," the Hatter agreed, and he grinned cheerfully. "Would you like some tea?"

Lightning accepted the cup, but Mark interrupted her before she could take a sip. "You understand what's going on?" he asked. Obviously he was dismayed. He was now the only person among them who had no clue what was going on.

"A little," Lightning replied as the March Hare took her cup and drank from it. "It's kind of like dealing with Snow and Hope on painkillers."

"Crazy Hand," Mark began, talking to the disembodied hand. She was playing pictionary with the Dormouse, but he wasn't awake long enough to finish drawing. "Where are Roy and Mewtwo?"

"If a tree can sing opera, why does the dolphin fail at poker?" the March Hare riddle back.

Mark did his best to ignore him as the Hatter gave the riddle's answer. This place was grating on his nerves. Suddenly the Hatter called for tea time, and Crazy Hand, the Dormouse, Mad Hatter, and March Hare all got up and randomly changed seats. Mark was knocked out of his chair by Crazy Hand and was forced to take another one.

"Crazy Hand!" Mark insisted. "Roy and Mewtwo?"

"I don't know," Crazy Hand replied. "But they're missing out on an unbirthday!"

(**)

"HAHAHAHA! Come and get me, mother licker!" Roy laughed, brandishing his weapon. "You call yourself a Jabberwocky? I'll give you Jabberwocky, you Laufer Bophy!"

As Roy clashed epically with the Jabberwocky, Mewtwo sighed and turned to Alice. "I'm sorry; he's usually much more normal," Mewtwo apologized.

"It's all right; most people go crazy here," Alice assured.

"True; it's like being inside Kirby, except more crowded."

(**)

Mark sighed and turned to Lightning. "There are no answers here. In the book, if I remember correctly, they're stuck in time," he stated. Mark grabbed Crazy Hand's leash and led both her and his girlfriend onward.

This entire place was built to piss Mark off, he decided. All statistical probability pointed to that. Even Lightning was able to figure some of it out. For Mark, the genius who was used to knowing everything at a creepy level, to be completely lost was frustrating. It didn't help that Roy and Mewtwo were lost, and Crazy Hand kept singing him unbirthday songs. It was enough to start building his temper.

After some time of thinking they could hear Roy laugh maniacally in the distance, Mark, Lightning and Crazy Hand arrived at the most normal looking place they had seen so far; it was a crochet course. If Mark remembered correctly, than these were the Red Queen's card soldiers guarding it. Although in the book they hadn't had machine guns with ducks as ammo. Then it happened.

A pink crochet ball sailed through the air and collided with Lightning's temple. As predicted, Lightning collapsed unconscious. As not predicted, the ball bounced back the way it came, coincidentally going back through the marker it had come through. Mark knelt down to check on Lightning, but a shrilly voice sounded, "They made me lose a stroke! Off with their heads!"

Mark felt his temper rising. He picked up Lightning and turned to run as ducks were shot rapidly at them. Mark turned around...

...and found himself back at the beginning, facing the Cheshire Cat.

"Silly!" Crazy Hand laughed. "You should have turned around the _other_ direction. That would have led us to Washington!"

That was it. Mark put Lightning down. "Probability 100%," he seethed. "You all #*$%#^&#& _**die**_."

(**) Mario and Kirby's Bus (**)

"I have a bad-a feeling something bad is about to-a happen-a somewhere," Luigi muttered.

"It's probably just-a that-a Taco Bell-a," Mario assured. The bus leader plumber looked around the crumbling remains of Raccoon City. Off to the side, Kirby was being fed by his clan of assassin followers, Yoshi was in the bathroom egging the place, and Ness and Lucas had found spray cans and were tagging walls. Everyone was perfectly fine... which meant something bad was about to happen. Mario had to remain on guard.

Then his watch went off. Mario's face lit up, and he and Peach zoomed off towards the bus's bathroom. I'll you guess where they went to. Hint: Six minutes were up.

While Mario was busy with Peach, that left the closet to being the top eight in charge. That was Luigi, who was busy dealing with bad feelings and Taco Bell. Something about that didn't agree with him, yet Waluigi had no issue with it.

Down a ways, Ness snickered at his most recent tag. In bright green, he'd written, 'Snake clogged the author's toilet.' Wait a minute.

…

…

WTF! I thought Snake was with Samus! How is he doing this! Why am I writing this and my frustration in!

"That doesn't make sense," Lucas mentioned to Ness. What he was referring to was anyone's guess. Lucas had written on his portion, 'Kratos thinks Marth is gay.'

Just as Ness was going to explain his child logic to Lucas, they heard a shuffling sound. They turned to see what it was, and horror dawned on their faces.

Luigi got up off the toilet again to hear Ness and Lucas come screaming at the bus. Everyone—save Mario, Peach, and Kirby—gathered to hear what the matter was. Both boys were sputtering and couldn't get a word out edgewise. Finally, Bowser picked both boys up and stared them down. "What is it?" he howled.

The two boys pointed behind them and screamed, "Zombies!"

The group looked to see a horde of Resident Evil zombies coming towards them. They had been on their way since they stopped for a break; they had just taken a while to reach them. Without hesitation, the bus's group burst into action. Bowser laid down a defensive fire ring behind them as the assassins ran forward to defend their lord. Luigi grabbed bomb-ombs and chucked them into the horde. But they had started with little weaponry since they thought it was going to be a political trip only.

Altair swung his blade and sliced a zombie's head off. He called out, "Everyone to the bus! Make sure Lord Kirby gets on first!"

Nobody waited for Kirby. The group headed back out onto the bus as Mario came out to assist. One by one they boarded until it was only the assassins left to board. Altair turned around to head on board when he noticed something.

Kirby was not on board.

The head assassin whipped his head around and spotted the puffball casually watching the zombies creep towards him. With a cry the assassins all came towards Kirby's rescue, but Kirby acted. He had been deciding whether or not the zombies would taste good, and settled on having a taste. Kirby opened his mouth and sucked in.

Zombie flew in Kirby's mouth by the dozen, vanishing into the pit of the despair. The bus cheered for Kirby's victory, until they noticed something disturbing happening. Kirby, deciding the zombies did taste good, decided to swallow.

The puffball gained a greenish tint and his eyes glazed over. With a moan he turned towards his assassins to spread the T-virus. The bus shouted for them to save themselves. Instead the assassins decided Lord Kirby had the right idea and gleefully dived into his mouth.

Five minutes later, the bus was tearing through Raccoon City with everyone screaming for dear life. Not only was there the horde left over, but zombie Kirby was being carried towards the bus by his zombie assassins, loyal in undeath. And the assassins had the convenience to retain acrobatic ability through their genes.

Bowser punched a snapping Desmond off the bus and ducked a grab from Lucy. What were the chances, really? Mario fired fireballs, but zombie Kirby kept eating _everything_. As if he could've been worse before; now he never kept his mouth shut period. Entire buildings had already disappeared into that abyss.

"We need help," Lucas put it simply.

"Of course-a we need-a help," Mario agreed. The only question was from where.

It came now.

Smoke bombs descended on the zombies, paralyzing them with a strange gas. The group looked out their windows to see a shape in the sky. They recognized it instantly.

Batman was there.

The Batjet dropped more smoke canisters, these ones containing the cure to the T-virus. As the people and Kirby returned to normal, Batman dropped from the Batjet to check on the bus. "Is everyone all right?" he asked.

"Yes; thank you for the-a help," Mario replied.

"Hey, that's not Bruce Wayne!" Peach accused.

"Huh?" Ness asked. He knew his comic book heroes. Batman was Bruce Wayne. Superman was Kent Clark. Aquaman was a tart.

"That's Dick Grayson, who took over for him," Peach insisted.

The entire bus plus Batman stared at her. "How on earth did you know that?" Batman asked, now revealed as Dick Grayson. "I thought I did an excellent job of pretending to be Bruce."

"That's easy; your butt," Peach explained. "I swear, if I had not been bent over half a minute ago, I would be right now."

Mario felt unimportant; Dick Grayson grinned and moved his cape to show off his butt. He was very proud of it. Trying to feel better, Mario changed the conversation to one more important.

"How did you-a find us?" Mario asked.

"Back door from the Batcave," Dick Grayson answered. "Batman knows everything. Now who wants to sign my butt?" Before Peach could lunge forward, Robin appeared. He grabbed Dick Grayson by the cape and began dragging him away, threatening to kill him for dishonoring his father's legacy. Obviously, this was Damian Wayne.

Mario blinked. "Wait-a!" he shouted. Robin and Batman paused. "Can you-a lead us to the-a real world-a?"

There was a pause before Robin answered. "Tt. Find your own way, marshmellow butt."

(**)

Next Time in The Smashers Go to Washington:

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite chapter in this story." Something is altered with one of our Smashers in the Mass Effect World!

"Meet my apprentice... Darth Popo!" Sides are taken at the Star Forge! I don't get enough sleep to make sense of any of this!


	7. Effect of the Force

A/N: Never, ever, travel 26 hours in a car without stopping somewhere to rest. Otherwise your brain will melt.

Chapter 7

Effect of the Force

After literal lifetimes of fighting evil and eliminating its stench from the world, Link had come across one enemy that could not fall to his blade no matter how hard he tried. The swordsman gritted his teeth, aware of Pit's increasing annoyance with this foe. The present group hardened with anger against the darkest thing known to mankind and every species that had taken a breath throughout its existence.

"Yeah, sorry about the elevators," Garrus apologized. "They really are slow."

"It's all right though," Shepard assured an aggravated Link. "I'm Commander Shepard and this is my favorite misleading in this story."

"Sorry about Shepard, too. Tali can usually keep him reined in, but she's busy helping fix the _Normandy_," Garrus added, eyeing his old friend suspiciously. What was up with Shepard's sudden business obsession? Was he becoming indoctrinated? He opened his omni-tool and requested Chakwas to schedule Shepard for a checkup soon.

Toon Link glanced around the elevator, and asked a question. "Where are the others?"

"They're coming on the next elevator trip," Zelda clarified. Only Zelda, Link, Toon Link, and Pit had joined Shepard and Garrus on the ride up; it was crowded enough with only them. Miranda and Grunt were bringing up others. Toon Link opened his mouth to ask another question, and Zelda answered before he could. "We're not there yet," Zelda told him.

Pit pulled at his hair. "Curse you elevator! Why won't this thing go any faster!" he complained.

"Tell me about it," Garrus answered. He also eyed Pit suspiciously. He had no idea who this Palutena was, but she had to be really worth it if this kid would go psycho on you for her. Or he was just crazy.

"Is there a reason these metal boxes are so slow? Is the electricity driving them not good?" Link asked, attempting to sound like he had half an idea why he had been staring at a wall for ten minutes.

Garrus and Shepard shuddered visibly, and neither one of them wanted to answer that statement. As it turned out, elevators had been quick up to fifteen years ago. Electricians had finally made elevator rides instantaneous. But the first trip—done by a Council leader, nonetheless—had not been a pleasant trip. _Splattered against the floor _and_ ceiling of the elevator; the holo sickened even me, _Shepard thought. _So now the engineers are working on a safer elevator while we use the older models. Still, this could have ended up being a benefit to humanity. I mean, why couldn't it have been that dumb Turian Councilor instead? We could have defeated the Reapers by now without him. I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite internal monologue in this chapter._

After a half hour of waiting and frustration, the elevator opened up to the Presidium level. Before any of them could even blink, a Salarian scientist came running into the elevator. But since the people in the elevator were rushing to get out, dangerous things happened; they all ended up stumbling and crashing into the ground.

Zelda yelped, and Isaac rushed over to her aid. Garrus glanced over and saw Link clutching the ground. "Are you all right?" he asked. Link nodded, letting go of the ground once Isaac helped her up. In his mind, his reflex was to save the princess and therefore save Hyrule. But if he ran over and did that, Isaac would run away from him again. This way, Isaac got to be the charming gentleman and Link slowly weaned off his reflexes to something more appropriate. An example would be the strange liquid that had broken out of a vial and gotten all over Zelda.

Isaac pulled a few glass shards out of Zelda's skin and healed them with his magic. As the Salarian apologized to Shepard and Garrus, Toon Link examined the odd liquid that was on the ground and on Zelda. There wasn't much, but something about it smelled funny to the child. Ganondorf grabbed him by the collar and yanked him away. "Get away from that," he growled. "You get in trouble, and I'll end up getting blamed."

Toon Link thought about that for a moment. Then he fake cried.

Link and Zelda spun around with fire in their eyes; Ganondorf groaned and flipped off Toon Link, waiting for the inevitable pain. But this time was different. Ganondorf had been attacked by them many times, and had done much attacking himself. However, Link had always been the first on his feet to attack. It was only natural, as he had been in more fights than he had hairs on his head. But this time was different. This time, Zelda beat out Link for first strike.

Wielding magic, Zelda grabbed Ganondorf and blasted him with enough force to chuck him into the lake. "NO HURTING TOON LINK!" Zelda howled at the water, blasting it with Din's Fire. Link paused and examined her for a moment. Zelda was never this crazy.

"Um, are you all right?" Link asked.

"No," Zelda snapped. "No. No. You just keep asking and _asking _me _all the time_ if I'm fine! But then you don't _listen_." She was hysterical by this point, in tears and shaking her head. Isaac walked over to try to comfort her, and she hugged him so hard he turned blue.

Link backed away and turned towards the Salarian along with Shepard and Garrus. "Was there anything in that liquid?" Link asked.

"Well yes," the Salarian answered. "I had been hired to make a Krogan fertility solution. Some of the product must have landed on that woman. It shouldn't be a problem unless she's pregnant."

"She is," Link pointed out. There was a small bump evident by Zelda's stomach. Wait, wasn't she still only two weeks pregnant?

"Oh then that's a problem," the Salarian stated. "On a human that solution can increase the rate of a single pregnancy by about 360%! Not only that, but it emphasizes the changes that a body undergoes during pregnancy, but at least it will wear off afterward."

Link, Shepard, and Garrus all stared at the Salarian. "So what you're basically saying," Garrus began, "is that this woman is going to go through an entire pregnancy in about a week, all the while experiencing those crazy human mood swings?"

"Yep," the Salarian agreed. The three shared a look, and then Link killed the Salarian for the horror he'd inflicted on him. Garrus and Shepard didn't stop him, but looked over to a hysterical Zelda still crushing Isaac to death.

"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite plot twist in this chapter," Shepard announced. He turned to Link. "So about getting you to the real world. We actually got a subpoena as well, but we can't leave yet."

"Why's that?" Link asked.

"We're still fighting the Reapers," Garrus explained. "They're attacking Earth and the majority of our forces are busy trying to stop them so the galaxy isn't wiped out again. But if you could help, we could probably leave sooner."

Link glanced over to where Zelda had gotten angry with Isaac because he was dying on her. He quickly joined Ganondorf in the pond. _That kid is about to have the time of his life_. "Yeah, I think we might have a secret weapon," Link mumbled, as Zelda destroyed the Krogan statue because it was blocking her sun.

('-') Fox and DK's Bus ('-')

If Fox knew what was happening to Link's bus, he might be enviable of the situation.

Not only had they crashed into the Star Force and aroused the full wrath of the Dark Lord Revan, but everything else had happened at once as well. Metaknight was fighting a losing battle against endless Sith Guardians in the _Halberd's _cockpit, since he didn't have a lightsaber. DK had managed to get a flight to Kashyyk to see the Wookies and left Fox on his own. ROB was getting intimate with the machinery of the Star Forge. Most everyone else was running around screaming as the Sith Fleet tried to kill them.

But the worst of it was that Marth—of course it was going to be Marth, Fox thought, who got them into bigger trouble—had decided that being a Sith had really great advantages, and so he convinced Popo to join him as a Sith apprentice to Darth Revan. Which meant that two of the Smashers were running around trying to kill the other Smashers with lightsabers.

Fox ducked a burst of fire from droids and used his reflector. The volley returned and knocked down his attackers. Quickly he raced towards the cockpit; perhaps Fox could save Metaknight in time to get them away from the Star Forge. Instead, Fox's path was blocked off by two Sith apprentices, who were none other than Marth and Popo.

Marth obviously had center stage. The gangster prissy rocker psychopathic frat president Sith apprentice cut a cool image at least. He was dressed in black Sith robes, but with his cape and brooch added over it. Falchion was sheathed under his cape and over his shoulder, with a red lightsaber held in his hands instead. In Marth's hands, that thing turned deadly. Fox had seen what Marth had done to people who called him gay with a sword; now he had upgraded.

Popo's outfit had changed as well. He wore Sith robes with the hood over his head and a mask over his nose, leaving only yellow eyes visible. His trusty hammer was gone, replaced by a lightsaber as well. Fox sighed, making eye contact with the yellow eyed Sith. Shouldn't Marth be upset that his eyes weren't their natural color anymore? If only his skin was pale and cracked, then Fox could talk him out of being a Sith.

Instead, the pilot with only a pistol and reflector to protect himself was going up against two Sith that were Smashers. Why did Fox agree to join a third tournament? Hadn't he had enough during Melee?

"Marth, Popo, this is ridiculous," Fox called. "We have a subpoena to attend."

"That's Darth Marth!" Marth retorted. "And this is my apprenice, Darth Popo! Call us by our titles, inferior canine!"

Fox sighed; they just had to bring race into it. "Whatever your titles, we still have to get to—" Fox was cut off as Popo bounded towards him with his lightsaber. Fox activated his reflector as Popo struck; the energy of the lightsaber was deflected backwards and gave Fox breathing room. He raised a leg to kick Popo in the face when Marth intervened. Marth gestured and used the Force to rip hair from Fox's tail. He screamed in pain and leapt into the air, holding onto the ceiling out of panic. That was his tail! You didn't mess with someone's tail; that was like messing with a guy or girl's forbidden zones!

Popo recovered and looked up at where Fox was clinging to the ceiling for life. Marth joined him and they started considering how to get him down. They came up with throwing their lightsabers until they hit him or the ceiling broke.

As Fox hung there, deflecting lightsabers and praying to whatever deity hadn't abandoned him yet—he figured it was a long list, he was the sanest of the Smashers after all—that the ceiling didn't fall off and crush him, he was saved by the unlikeliest of sources. A blue saber zipped down the hall, singing Marth's cape and slashing through the wall.

Nana stood at the other end of the hall, her hammer and a beam sword in hand. She'd had enough of this nonsense going on with her brother, and if she had to fight Marth to do it, then so be it. Popo raced at his sister, and beam sword met lightsaber. The two dueled epically with John Williams playing in Revan's iPod.

Fox frowned; did the writer put Revan's iPod? He glanced from where he was hanging to see Marth engaged with the Sith Lord. Fox had an idea then, an epiphany to hopefully curb Marth's brain issues, call a cease fire with Revan, and find a route to the real world. He dropped from the ceiling and headed over to Marth's fight. Naturally since Revan had much more training in the Force, Marth was losing. Fox paused and looked down at where Marth's sword skills were the only thing keeping him alive.

"Hey Darth Marth," Fox greeted. "Did you want a hand?"

"I hate to admit it, but yes," Marth grunted. He rolled to avoid a lightsaber hole in his stomach.

"You have to promise to obey me."

"What?"

"Just as long as it takes us to get to the Congress subpoena."

"Ugh...ah! Fine! Fine!" Marth agreed. Revan was threatening to beat Marth to death with Falchion.

"And make sure Popo does the same," Fox added.

"Whatever Fox! I promise!" Marth insisted.

Revan raised his lightsaber to deliver a finishing blow when Fox tapped him on the shoulder. "What do you want, canine?" Revan hissed. Fox sighed; why was everyone playing the race card against him?

"You're a Sith right now because Bastila's been holding out on you, right?" Fox guessed. "So if you kill him and don't show us the way to the real world, then she'll probably hold out longer."

Revan was torn in an instant. On the one hand there was ultimate power, the galaxy safe under his reign, Marth dead, HK-47 doing his job and getting more fun stories... but on the other hand, if could get Bastila to take him back...

His lightsaber turned off, and Revan sighed. "Fine. That's a fair trade," he agreed. Fox smiled to himself. Human guys had such the need for adult time it was ridiculous. The Lord of the Sith helped Marth up and then cracked his neck. "So where did you guys want me to show you the way to?"

Fox spoke up before Marth could mention a hairdresser. "The real world," Fox explained. Revan muttered to himself and stormed off, flicking a confused Popo and Nana in the noses for good measure. A half hour later, the Star Forge was generating an highly improbable portal that would transfer Fox and DK's bus from the virtual world to the real world. All they had to do now was get to Washington, meet up with everyone else, and then the actual subpoena would begin. Fox sighed and wondered if it would be easier to bang his head against the wall and die. He really considered it when DK thought someone was hiding a banana in their suitcases.

('-')

Next time in the Smashers Go to Washington!

"Hey Samus; how was your trip?"

"Don't ask Link. Yours?"

"...Yeah. Don't ask." The buses are successfully reunited in DC and regroup! Zelda hates having a week long pregnancy and wants pickles!

…

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…

…

…

…

…

…

…

Oh yeah, and someone dies. Really; somebody from the mansion is going to be dead. As in bleeding out on the sidewalk, pushing up the daisies, soon to be an ex-character dead. If you can guess who, gold star.


	8. Together Again

Chapter 8

Together Again

"Link!" Samus shouted, and sprinted for him. She tackled the surprised swordsman and gripped him in a tight hug.

Link was shocked to say the least. And while the shock certainly didn't depreciate being hugged by Samus Aran, he was shocked at how mortified she'd sounded. "Samus? You okay?" he asked. Now that Link glanced over, her entire bus looked like it had been dropped into the most nightmarish existence on earth. Surely it couldn't have been that... wait, perhaps it could have been that bad.

"Link, never, ever, ever, leave me alone on my way to find our way here again," Samus insisted, still holding onto him.

"Okay," he agreed, still not certain what had happened. Behind him, Zelda was finding the scene affectionate. In fact, she was crying with joy so much that a stream was starting. "How was your trip then?"

"Don't ask," Samus insisted, and her bus shuddered. "How was your trip?"

Link glanced back at where Zelda was now beating Isaac for making her pregnant. Off to the side, Ganondorf was grimacing; why did all of his pranks go wrong? Link turned back to Samus. "Well, we ended up in some Mass Effect world and Zelda's pregnancy was sped up," he explained.

Lyn joined their conversation, eyes lit up. "Zelda's going to have a baby?" she asked, excited.

"Yes. It's going to take a week, side effects included," Link told her.

Lyn's expression dropped, and she realized why Zelda was intent on making a spear protrude from Isaac's back. Samus made a note to get ice cream and to keep Link out of arm's reach of Zelda. She didn't want him getting killed by Zelda or Adam. Or anyone, really. Zelda promptly stopped killing Isaac and looked down at Toon Link to coo at the origami crane he'd tried making.

Samus turned back to Link. "Wait, so you went to the Mass Effect universe and came here? How did that work?"

"Well," Shepard began, climbing out of the bus with Garrus and Tali behind him. "All of gaming is being subpoenaed by console, so he helped us kill the Reapers so we could focus on getting here. I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite chapter in this story."

"Shepard, just... give it a rest," Tali sighed. Shepard didn't get what was wrong, but he led the Mass Effect people off towards Washington. Samus didn't bother to tell him that the hearing was in Washington D.C.

Ike glanced around and grunted. "Where's Mario and Fox's bus?" he asked. Link shrugged; he hadn't seen either of them yet.

"We're over here," Fox called, getting off his bus. He looked unusually calm and happy for what he had been through. "This is D.C., huh?"

"...Yeah," Samus agreed slowly. "Why are you so happy?"

"Well as annoying that long break was, it gave me time to see a psychologist, take care of my fur, and get some much needed alone time," Fox explained. "It helped a lot."

"Speaking of that annoying break in my pay, where is the author? I need to crack some bones," Samus said, putting a fist to a palm. The other smashers all got an evil look in their eyes as they imagined doing painful things to the author. He owed them a lot of backup pay.

A small scuffle broke out as a passerby splashed water on Darth Marth's cape, and the smashers tried to stop him and his apprentice from killing the bystander. When it was over, they had to convince Pit that invasion was not the best way to spread his new religion of Palutenaism.

When Zelda began demanding ice cream, Link glanced at Samus. "This is a good time to say we're screwed, aren't we?" he asked.

Then the fourth bus pulled up; it was Mario and Kirby's. Kirby came out on a platform carried by the assassins, followed by the rest of them. Mario shuffled out of the bus pulling his zipper up, with Peach adjusting her crown. Nobody had to guess what they had been up to.

Pit, who had been busy spreading pamphlets for Palutenaism, flew over. "Hey, we're all going to kill the author for this ridiculous plot and taking so long. Care to join in the name of Palutena?" he asked.

While the assassins declared it was for Lord Kirby and Pikachu declared it for himself, Mario sighed. "Yeah, about-a that," he began. The top eight slowly edged towards Mario, wondering if it was worth it. Who knew what could've happened during the break? "You see, we came into the-a real world near-a the author. The-a assassins were mad at him for making Kirby a zombie, so they-a killed him."

The top eight paused. Then they shrugged. Death was one of the lesser punishments that could have befallen the author.

"Is that why it took so long?" Fox asked.

"No," Mario retorted. "He's-a just a dick."

"Wait, then how is story going?" DK asked.

Mario gestured to his brother, and Luigi took a platform out the back of the bus. The top eight—minus Mario and Kirby, who had already seen—gaped with open mouths at the sight. The author was most assuredly not dead anymore.

Their author was undead.

His arms had been chained to the keyboard, but that didn't seem to be much of a problem since they continued to type of their own volition. Instead, the chains were there to keep the author in place; he kept moaning endlessly and staring at any living thing. Luigi got a little too close and Andre Dmitri snapped at him, trying to bite flesh.

"#$%#^!" Marth swore, seeing the author's reflection in a mirror he was checking his hair in. "You zombified the author!"

"Not my-a fault-a," Mario defended. "Kirby didn't control his assassins."

Samus narrowed her eyes in thought. _If the assassins killed the author and made him a zombie, then perhaps Mark expected to be a zombie. Which means having Andre Dmitri a zombie means he can control the story and make Pikachu a zombie. Someone make this end._

"How did you guys escape the zombies?" Fox asked Mario.

Peach spoke up. "Dick Grayson. We even got to talk to him."

Zelda, Samus, and Lyn were near her in seconds. "Seriously? Oh, if I wasn't pregnant I would be bent over in front of him right now," Zelda dreamed.

"You can do that; I want to grope him," Samus added. Link and Isaac traded confused looks before Zelda suffered another mood swing and asked why she wasn't eating ice cream. They both went running. They didn't make it.

Finally the fifth bus arrived. Kirby frowned; had Mark's bus always been colored red?

Mark stepped off the bus, adjusting his sleeves casually. "We have all arrived alive," he stated. Everyone glanced at the undead author for a second. "Mostly. That was predicted. Group, leave the bus."

Lightning was already on her way out, rubbing her head where the crochet ball had hit her. Mewtwo and Roy stumbled out, putting space between themselves and Mark. Crazy Hand was dead silent.

_Something is wrong_, Link thought. He glanced at the silent Crazy Hand. _Something is so very wrong._

Mark glanced out at the insanity that was the mansion's occupants, now loose in Washington D.C. He turned back to the top eight. "The debt ceiling crisis and regular mud slinging delayed the hearing to tomorrow," Mark explained. "I would suggest getting everyone off the streets."

"Do you know a place to stay?" Fox asked.

"Pika pi pichu!" Pikachu added. _My citizens must have have bedding, general! Do your job! _Samus couldn't help but wonder when Black Knight and Zero had flanked Pikachu as bodyguards. Ike gave Black Knight the finger.

"I could have it arranged," Mark complied. "Crazy Hand."

"_I'm sorry_!" she screamed, falling to the ground. "_Dear Miyamoto and Iwata please don't hurt me_!"

Everyone except Lightning stepped away from Mark. "Snap; I thought I was intimidating," Marth muttered. Popo nodded his agreement and chugged a beer.

"I won't hurt you," Mark explained. "The smashers need a place to stay. Go reserve a hotel."

Crazy Hand was gone, fast. Nobody blamed her. Mark looked around at them and a thought passed through the top eight's minds. Were they in charge, or was Mark taking over.

"I leave everything up to you as it is your place," Mark stated. "I predicted what you were thinking." They all sighed in relief. Lyn wondered briefly if someone had pissed off Mark. _No, they couldn't have...was his bus always colored red...crap._

"I have a matter," Pit declared. "As a zombie, the author is now evil. I must kill him for Palutena."

"But his undead body is writing the story. Somebody stick him, it, whatever, on a wheelchair and bring his laptop," Samus ordered. They chose ROB to do it since he couldn't be accidentally bitten. The robot sighed; he was pretty much everyone's slave.

(**)

With several hotel rooms rented out, the smashers had moved everyone into them to keep them occupied. Then afterward the top eight met to discuss the hearing. They moved into an empty conference room and took their seats, with two assassins serving as Lord Kirby's bodyguards. Pikachu brought Gardevoir.

Mario scratched his head and began the meeting. "Okay, here we go. We have that-a hearing tomorrow with the US-a Senate. And I doubt its-a good type of meeting," he started.

Samus arched an eyebrow. "Why couldn't it be? We could have good luck for once. We're owed it," she noted.

"A few weeks ago Link and I fought over the-a remote," Mario explained. The entire top eight groaned in despair. Anytime Link and Mario fought, an adventure always followed afterward. It was as if the universe didn't want them to fight.

"Dang it you two!" Samus shouted, slamming a fist on the table. Link flinched.

"Pi pika!" Pikachu agreed. _You slaves would help threaten my empire? You should be punished!_

"Every time you two do some sort of fighting you end up bringing the rest of us along on an adventure!" Fox shouted.

"Well, not _always_," DK pointed out. "Remember the Melee after party? They beat each other up using ping pong paddles, and there wasn't a fight then."

Link shuddered visibly and he tried to sink into his chair. "There was," he assured quietly. The other glanced at him a moment.

"Pikachu?" Pikachu asked. _What's got Samus's sex slave pale?_

"Why is Pikachu here? Where's Red?" Pit asked. Pikachu shouted at Pit that he would destroy Skyworld, and Pit declared it safe by Palutena's power.

Fox fired his blaster to draw attention. "Guys, focus! We're going to a Congress hearing tomorrow!" he ordered. Everyone paid attention to him; he was the sanest one there. "Red had to take care of the baby Mew before he could join us. Now we need to decide who is going to be our speaking representative tomorrow."

The top eight looked around, and then they all turned their eyes back to Fox. "You," they stated.

"What?"

"Think about it. Mario will be too busy every six minutes, Link will inevitably sense Hyrule in danger, I have a _slight _temper and liking issue, DK is obsessed with bananas, and the other three speak for themselves," Samus said, to much protest. "You're the only normal one among the top eight, which means you're the only one who can sound normal."

Fox sighed. "Yeah, fine. I'll... what's that smell?" he asked warily. The others sniffed the air and gagged when the scent of pee reached their noses. Somebody had peed in their conference room in the hotel, and it wasn't pleasant.

"Oops, my bad," DK apologized.

"My bad? You just-a pissed your-a chair! It's-a not even ours!" Mario shouted.

DK opened his mouth to continue his apology and found himself unable to otherwise. That was because Fox had tackled him out of his chair. He bashed DK's head against the wall and then jumped into his chair.

"My chair!" he howled. "My chair! Mine mine my chair my chair my chair my chair..." His incessant howling went on as Pit, who had been sitting next to DK, realized that Fox had let his pants down and was proceeding to pee over where DK had. Then Fox leapt onto the table and peed on that too. "My table my table my table..."

The top eight watched as Fox howled and peed on everything, snapping at anyone who dared to touch his claimed territory. Fox, the sanest member of the top eight, had finally lost it.

It was like Crazy Hand's insanity was transferred to them. Mario's watch went off and he ran out to find Peach. Link sensed a baby crying and ran to investigate; he opened up an old wound on the way out and Samus pinned him to the ground, a lustful look in her eyes. DK smelled a banana on Kirby, who was going to fight to the death for it. The assassins attacked Pikachu hoping to secure his budding empire for Lord Kirby. Pikachu and Gardevoir met them head on. Pit joined the fray declaring the world for Palutenaism.

Red opened the doors to the conference room. "Sorry that took so long; Mew needed...Snorlax crap," he mumbled as the scene unfolded before his eyes. Dumbfounded, the eleven year old looked to Fox for an answer, but he found him peeing on the walls, on three legs with one in the air. The scene was crazier than the Pokemon Daycare. Red decided to do the only thing that he could.

"Mark! I need you!" he shouted.

(**)

Mark had already predicted the madness that would overtake the conference room, but had predicted it would quickly fix itself as well. He had bigger issues to worry about.

To begin with, Lightning was recovering from the crochet ball colliding with her head. Mark had been in the process of bringing beef stew up for her to eat. But just as he reached the door of her room, he found himself in a situation he hadn't expected. Lightning had been talking with Zelda and calming her due to her week long pregnancy situation.

Zelda had instantly turned her eyes on Mark and declared it his fault for suggesting they all just wing it. Furthermore, she accused him of predicting what would happen to her. Ultimately, it had turned into Zelda and Lightning bashing Mark for being inconsiderate. He simply lay on the floor, arms over his head and took it.

He had predicted it, after all.

* * *

A/N: By the way, I didn't mean I would be the dead guy; I meant an actual smasher. But you're free to rage against me and punish my undead body for taking so insanely long. It's not like I have feelings anymore.


	9. Congress Against the Smashers

Chapter 9

Congress Against the Smashers

The day had come. It was time to see the US Congress and see what the subpoena was truly about. With the top eight acting mostly normal in the morning—minus Pikachu, Kirby, and Pit—they with the help of Mark and Red led the Smashers to the Capitol Building. For some reason, the sight of it sent Falcon into greater tears.

An attendant was waiting on the steps to bring them inside; there was also a horde of reporters. The Smashers squeezed closer together as the reporters swarmed them, praying to various deities that they wouldn't lose their souls. "What do we do?" Link asked, hiding behind Samus. "I can't even see that attendant anymore!"

Then the relentless questions stopped as Altair suspected a reporter of harassing Kirby. He leapt into the air and stabbed his hidden blade into the reporter. The reporters were silent, and then they ran for their lives as the other assassins went after them. Kirby waved at them. _Did they taste good?_

"Well, that's-a one way of-a doing it," Mario offered to the Smashers. "Mark, where is the attendant-a?"

Mark said nothing but gestured in front of them; the attendant had been trampled to death by the reporters. Ganondorf grumbled. "Great; we don't even know why we're here and we already have a body count of one attendant and three reporters. Four. Five. Seven. Whoa; that was cool: eight. Ni—"

Zelda banged Ganondorf's into the pavement. "Stop counting!" she wailed. She choked Isaac in a death hug. Toon Link wondered why all the adults were crazy.

Another attendant came out warily and led the Smashers inside before the reporters or assassins could return. There was trouble with Bowser getting through the doors as well as Falcon straying, but they eventually managed to reach the hearing chambers.

The Senate was sitting down as they arrived, and Link didn't need to weigh the number of good looks they got versus bad looks. They all were bad looks. DK restrained Pit from demanding their allegiance to Palutena. Pikachu hopped onto Samus's shoulders and she noticed Pikachu was unusually calm. _I hope he isn't just biding time until Mark sends some attack team after conference or something._

Speaking of Mark, he and Red had opted to help present whatever was needed as much as possible. The top eight were good, but they were also slightly nuts. Red was sane, and Mark was a creepy genius; they would help add to their case, whatever it was. And they were representing all of Nintendo after all. There was no telling who the Senate would want to speak.

A pair of guards sat by the main microphone, which was being occupied by a Senator. He gestured, and more guards closed the doors behind the Smashers to keep the reporters out. Instead they all filled in the upper balconies to watch. The head Senator picked up a gabble and banged it lightly.

"This hearing is now in session," he declared. "We are here to discuss the validity of Nintendo characters being allowed to survive and spread their influence throughout the world and so on and so on—"

"Hey hold on! What's this about allowing us to survive?" Ness shouted, jumping onto DK to get a better view. There were several murmurs through the Smashers and reporters, both shocked by the casually slipped in statement.

"Nintendo has been accused lately of corrupting generations of all ages and lowering values in the country," the Senator said. "We told you that in the letter."

"That wasn't in the letter!" Samus answered back.

"Really? Huh. Either way, the hearing is in session for that purpose."

"Come on; we're the friendliest console system out there," Red offered. "What could be accusing us?"

The guards at the doors were knocked unconscious as the assassins burst into the room. "We have killed the assassins for Lord Kirby!" Altair declared.

"Venusaur poop."

The Senator cleared his voice. "Now then. Before we continue, there is a matter of business to address. Mark must be arrested and placed on separate trial for his crimes," he announced, banging his hammer. The rest of the Senate nodded their agreement.

"WHAT?" the Smashers shouted. "What for?"

Lightning and Lyn gave Mark withering looks as the Senator's face turned cross; they had a bad feeling they knew. Suddenly Link realized why Mewtwo, Roy, and Crazy Hand were terrified of him. "He butchered all of Wonderland! Why else would we be calling him a serial killer!" the Senator spat.

The Smashers all turned to stare at Mark in wild confusion. "Mark is that true?" Lightning demanded.

"I lost my temper," he admitted. Lightning and Lyn groaned, and the Smashers edged away from Mark.

"Wait-a; I thought Mark couldn't-a fight," Mario frowned.

"He can't," Lyn agreed. "When Mark loses his temper he picks up any nearby sharp object and proceeds to stalk and kill every annoyance by hacking them into tiny volume equal pieces."

The Smashers stepped farther away from Mark.

"Arrest him!" the Senator declared. The guards ran at Mark, who knew he had no chance of fighting them off. However, Lightning did. She jumped and kicked one in the face before punching another in the groin. Then she grabbed Mark by the hand and ran.

They made it outside where Lightning punched another guard out before continuing. She gave Mark a glare. "You're still in trouble, just so you know," she warned. They jumped into a car and drove off.

"I predicted as much," Mark said.

(**)

Mario sighed as the guards were replaced the doors shut again. "Great; we've lost the-a man we meant to have do the talking-a," he mumbled.

Marth raised his hand, and everyone stared. "What? Snap, just because I'm Sith don't mean I'm not royalty. I know my words," he assured.

"You're also a prissy gangster frat punk rocker," Nana pointed out. "And you corrupted my brother."

"Details, girl," Marth assured. He stepped forward, cleared his voice, and spoke. "On behalf of the residents of the Smash Bros Tournaments and the greater lands of Nintendo, we are ready to begin the hearing."

The senator frowned at Marth. "What is your name, Miss?" he asked.

Marth's face turned dark. "B%^$! You paintin the floors with blood!" he howled. It took Ike and Link to hold him back; DK had to hold back Popo. "You bald crusty old fool!" The Senator banged his hammer angrily to instill order while the Smashers held Marth and Popo back. Kirby stared, attracted by the noise. _Hmm. He is bald. His head is lumpy, too, like a... rock. _Kirby's eyes began to change.

A howl split the noise and everyone watched as Kirby leapt from where he'd been standing towards the Senator. He shoved the Senator's face down, and Samus got a good look at Kirby's eyes; they were wild, like whenever he'd been in a flashback during their last adventure...

"Someone stop Kirby!" Samus shouted, but it was too late.

Splitting eardrums, Kirby began taking advantage of the back of the Senator's head.

There was a moment of silence, and then everything burst into uproar. The Senator began screaming and flailing madly as he tried to get the howling Kirby off. The Smashers stumbled over running to get Kirby while fighting the assassins, who were 'protecting' Kirby's so called enlightened state. The Senate was screaming horror at Kirby's actions while the reporters were dead silent, filming every second of it they could.

(**)

Fifteen minutes later Kirby had been forcefully removed from the Senator's head and his flashback had ended. The Senator who had suffered from the nightmarish activity was laying on the floor bleeding out, the back of his head bashed in from Kirby's enthusiasm. Mewtwo was using his psychic to keep the assassins from trying to return Kirby to his enlightened state.

As a new senator took the main microphone—it was a woman this time—the top eight exchanged glances. "Well, that's one more point against us," Fox muttered. "And chances are the rest of us are going to follow soon. It's just how our luck is lately."

"At least they don't know about what happened to us in Barbie world," Samus whispered, shaken suddenly.

Link paled; Samus's bus went to Barbie world? No wonder she didn't want to talk about it. "What happened, exactly?" he asked slowly.

"Pretty much what happened to Wonderland, except out of fear than anger," Samus answered.

"Pika!" Pikachu agreed. _We have begun our conquest starting with that place! My rule shall be absolute!_

"Shut it, Pikachu," Pit said. "We don't need the Senate picking up on what you say. Not to mention Palutena already rules all."

"Pi pi pi chu!" _Then Palutena will fall and be cast down like all my enemies!_

There was a short silence and then Pit drew his blades. "No one threatens Palutena! The fight is on!" Pit shouted, and then he attacked Pikachu, only to be stopped by the defenses of the Black Knight, Gardevoir, and Zero. Ike threw himself into the battle at the Black Knight, true fury in his expressions. Link tried to break it up and got hit by a stray shot, causing him to bleed. He was immediately set upon by Samus. Meanwhile his blood stained the ground; Fox began yelling mine while peeing on the ground. DK saw a flash of yellow and thought it was a banana. He began attacking everyone while Mario's timer went off.

Toon Link watched in wonder. _What's wrong with the adults?_

(**)

After they had settled again—the reporters were having a field day and the Senate just kept tallying up everything against them—Zelda was called by the Senate. She stood up, a sour look in her expression. Senator 2 gave her a wary look. "Are you pregnant?" she asked.

"What does it look like?" Zelda spat. "Isaac, I want ice cream."

Isaac had predicted something like this would happen and held up a tub of Zelda's favorite ice cream. He was really dedicated to the continuing of his life.

But instead of accepting the ice cream, Zelda used magic to blast him into the wall, hysterical. "No I said I wanted pickles! You never understand me!" she wailed.

Isaac panicked; he hadn't brought pickles. And now his girlfriend was going to murder him. Link had no clue what to do, either. He had a responsibility to protect Isaac as the heir's father, but he really couldn't do anything to Zelda either.

Ganondorf sighed and stepped forward. Before Zelda could say anything to him, he smacked the back of her neck. Zelda's eyes rolled into the back of head and she passed out, falling into waiting arms. Link gave him a dirty look but Ganondorf didn't back down. "What? Someone had to do it. And you couldn't," Ganondorf grumbled.

A hammer banging caught their attention again. "If I _may_," Senator 2 declared crossly. The Smashers glared at her; they were disliking this hearing less and less. Granted, most of the damage had been done by them, but they had a reputation for disliking anyone who was at odds with them. "We wish to get to the actual hearing. We left off at your opening statement."

Link gave Senator 2 a look and grabbed their microphone. "You know who I am. I'm Link, and I've done more things to stop that guy with the haircurlers there in order to protect my home. You called us here because you think we're unfitting as role models. Then let me say this: what of it? Who chose to make obscure figures who tend to their own lives high profile people? You all did. And you let it happen. We only went about our lives. In fact, it's since the Smash Brothers tournament began to appease your people that our issues and adventures you're referring to began. We've had to fight for our very existence just to have the right to fight for your viewing pleasures. I can really only say a few good things about this tournament. The first is that I have met these people, many of whom have become close friends; especially dear to me is Samus Aran. Second is that I have had the grand ability to stand against the various threats together with my friends and comrades. But as for the issues you declare we must be executed for, that is no way for you to treat your own folly and poor desires," Link spoke.

The Smashers looked at Link with an expression of awe; they had never heard Link say so much before in his life, let alone anything so grand. Samus had her helmet on and wouldn't admit, but when Link turned and gave her a friendly smile, she wept quietly. Then a sound broke their concentration.

Across the room, the Senate had fallen asleep for the duration of Link's speech, rendering it moot. The Hero of Everything glared and folded his arms. "You're-a kidding me," Mario added darkly. Link turned to step away from the microphone, only to have someone tap Link on the shoulder. He whipped around.

Adam Malkovich was standing there with an iron pipe and a none too happy expression. Link swallowed nervously; Adam hooked a thumb at Samus. "You made her cry and brought her to a hearing where her life is threatened?" he accused. "You're dead."

The Senate awoke to see Link running for his life from Adam, with Samus running after them trying to calm Adam down. "That's your speech? Very well, Link of Hyrule," Senator 2 stated haughtily. "Some speech. Onto the hearing then. Our first questions involve the man known as Captain Falcon. We would like to hear his sentiments on the activities at your tournament."

Mario took the microphone. "He's uh, incapable-a of answering," he explained.

"Oh not for long. We had a doctor reapply his manhood after your brutal and medieval punishment."

The Smashers immediately protected Zelda and Lyn. Fox frowned. _Where is Falcon if he's had his manhood restored? Usually he would have responded by now_.

Fox got his answer as Falcon used Up+B on Senator 2. She was so shocked he did two more times. Then she dropped to the ground screaming as Falcon posed to the guards coming at him. "FALCON BACK, FALCON BLACK!" Captain Falcon announced to much groaning. He had been biding his time to secure his women, and of course had chosen the hearing to play his hand.

Falcon killed the guards with phoenix fire and looked down for Senator 2. He had to take her away before someone brainwashed her after all. However, she was busy. Fox was peeing on her, snarling at Falcon. "My Senator my Senator my Senator my Senator..."

"Falcon Fifth Truth Power!" Falcon announced. For those of you just joining us, the Fifth Truth declared that Falcon would kill anyone who 'stole' his women from him. And with that Fox and Falcon began to fight among the Senators.

"We are so boned," Red complained.


	10. It All Breaks Loose

Chapter 10

It all Breaks Loose

While the majority of the Smashers had been focused on restoring order to Fox and beating unconsciousness into Captain Falcon, the rest outsmarted Adam into attacking someone else instead of Link. No sooner than the first fifteen seconds of Justin Bieber played, Adam declared him a sacrilege to human ears and ran off. Samus lugged her boyfriend out of the ditch and gave him one of the fairies she now kept on hand.

Senator 1 had been humped to death by Kirby—nobody had gotten him any medical attention. Senator 2 had been Up+B done on her and wasn't a Smasher. She was dead too. Now a nervous looking but equally angry Senator 3 assumed center mic.

"Very well then, I believe we've had enough from Captain Falcon," Senator 3 declared.

"Phew; we just-a made him a statue too," Mario sighed in relief. No one wanted to bring him back out.

"Mario! How can you? You just used physical pain as a punishment! That's utterly barbaric!" Senator 3 accused.

"In case you haven't-a noticed, we come from a lot-a different time periods," Mario explained. "With-a so many differing systems we settled upon the easiest system of a neighborhood watch archetype. Not to-a mention that our number includes those like the-a King of Evil."

Mario pointed to Ganondorf, who flipped him off; the cameras caught it and reporters filed it away. Senator 3 nodded. "Very well I suppose you have a point. He does look like he's plotting evil, doesn't he?"

Link's head shot up in alarm from where he was being healed, and two seconds later he was in the air sword in mid swing. Ganondorf flinched down hid on the ground, but Samus caught Link by his belt and pulled him back. Ganondorf sighed in relief, only to realize a peeved looking Zelda was standing over him.

Oddly enough, it was Toon Link who saved Ganondorf's life. He walked over oblivious to the murder in front of him and tugged on Zelda's skirt. "What's this all about?" he asked.

Zelda cooed sweetly and began explaining it to him. Link and Isaac found this highly unfair. Toon Link was Link, and yet he was given better treatment than himself. Isaac was upset because he was her boyfriend and was just a likely target. Then again, considering that it was his child she was carrying, maybe he was slightly at fault. He was going to murder whoever spiked that punch.

"I think that we've pretty much covered the basics then," Senator 3 decided.

Samus frowned. "It's only been about four hours. And we haven't discussed anything," she noted.

"I know."

"This does not sound good..."

A loud banging by the gavel stopped any other noise and Senator 3 cleared his throat. He glanced around at the Senate before deciding. "The Senate has reached their decision. As shown through evidence gathered solely during this hearing, the Super Smash Brothers Franchise and therefore all of Nintendo is unfit to live as they continuously display endless amounts of debauchery and horror," Senator 3 announced. There was a lengthy, awkward pause as Mario's six minutes were up. "My point is proven. You all must be executed."

Link put an arm out in front of Samus and Toon Link while drawing the Master Sword with the other. "You might be the US Congress, but I would rather die before letting anyone close to me get hurt," Link warned.

Senator 3 banged his hammer in anger as murmurs rose, but he was interrupted by every screen and microphone being hijacked. Mark's face appeared on the screen.

"Attention all sentient beings," Mark began. Samus sweat dropped; this couldn't be any better. "I am Mark, head general of the forces of Emperor Pikachu. We will now be invading all corners of the earth to bring you under our rule. Do not resist and you will be unharmed. That is all."

The hijacking ended and silence fell upon the room. The first one to answer Mark's declaration of war was Samus.

"This is so not the right time," Samus muttered. _And Pikachu probably expects me to lead his armies, too_. To make matters worse, someone had issues to Pikachu's world seizing.

A white clad figure leapt to a desk. "This cannot be!" Altair declared angrily. "All for Lord Kirby!" With a howl of allegiance the assassins ran out with Kirby, killing everyone in the way.

"This is insanity!" Pit shouted. "This all belongs to the great goddess Palutena! Followers, legions, descend and secure the goddess's realms!" The roof broke open and as angels descended in hordes from Skyworld to battle the other three forces. Pit pulled out an automatic pistol and gunned down the reporters for good measure before leaving.

And of course, Marth turned to Popo. "You ready dawg?" he asked.

"Snap I am! For the Sith," Popo agreed. The two turned on their lightsabers and entered the war on their own side.

The remaining Smashers watched in complete resignation. It only made sense that this would end up coming out of the hearing for their life; World War 3 would be started by Pikachu. Why didn't they see this coming?

"Someone somewhere put this into action, by accident or design, and I intend to make them pity Falcon," Samus grumbled. She turned back to the Senate, who obviously had never spent a day in their company before. "Look, I know you don't like us and all that, feeling's mutual, but if you don't mind then we'll be stopping those guys from—"

"Nonsense!" Senator 3 shouted, banging his gavel. "You planned all this to keep us from executing you. Well too bad! You will all die now!" Behind him the Senate was nodding their firm agreement.

Ike looked up to scowl at them and frowned. He nudged Lyn next to him, who in turn nudged Red. "Uh, sir?" Red called.

"Silence you cockfighter! We will have values and you will not undermine them!"

"Sir there's—"

"Our word is law when we get along! We are AUGH!" Senator 3 screamed. What he had failed to notice until just then was that a zombie was sneaking up on him. Specifically, an author zombie. The zombie had broken free through constant tugging, it's hands coming off. So while the hands—restrained to the keyboard and typing—were useless, the fact remained that a hand-less zombie was now eating Senator 3.

Everyone watched as the zombie author ate Senator 3 alive. He screamed, but no one wanted to go near him and get bitten. Link and Samus exchanged glanced amidst the screams. The rest of the Senate shouted for their immediate execution. Link gave her an uneasy smile.

"Well...they are plotting to kill us, right?" he asked.

Samus sighed. "I guess so. And since Mario's off with Peach we're in charge," she agreed. "Ok everyone; let's kill off the Senate and then we can stop Pikachu, Kirby, Marth, Pit, and anyone else I missed."

The Senate paled and called for security; six guards lined up to protect them. The Smashers cracked their knuckles.

(**)

"I feel unpatriotic and dirty after that," Fox muttered, wiping blood off his tail.

"Eh, our grand creators are Japanese," Ike shrugged. He didn't care about it as much as some others had. Snake had cried through the event as he knifed a Senator to death.

Ness cleaned his hat off. "So now that we've killed the leaders of the US government and led everything further into chaos, what now smart guys?" he asked.

Samus gave Ness a look. "First things first, we have to find Mark. Chances are he can help stop the assassins, Pit, and Marth. Then in the mean time we can stop Pikachu," she explained. "Although how we're going to stop Pikachu is beyond me."

While they were busy planning, Link glanced over his shoulder. He paled and tapped Samus on the shoulder; she brushed him off. Link grabbed her shoulder and pointed. Any objection Samus had to being handled faded away at the sight approaching them. _At least now we know the American Nintendo fans won't be angry with us, _Samus thought. _They're all in Pikachu's army._

The great Pikachu army had been rebuilt with more power and weaponry than before. Tanks had been replaced with stolen AT-ATs, jets by Arwings and copies of the Halberd, and Pikachu had also added robots and Pokemon to his numbers. Pikachu's generals—Gardevoir, Black Knight, Zero, and of course Mark—stood on top of moving bases, surrounded by legions of fanatic soldiers and weapons. Pikachu himself was in an airship four times the size of the Halberd.

"...Where does he even get the material for this crap?" Fox asked. "And how did he get my blueprints?"

"My baby," Metaknight sobbed. "She isn't special anymore."

"Metaknight, it was only a ship."

"Screw you, ROB. You don't have any land."

There was silence after Metaknight odd remark. Finally Ganondorf groaned and dropped his head. "Look guys, I got some explaining to do," he mumbled, scratching the back of his head. Link raised his sword to kill him but Samus held him back; she wanted to hear. Ganondorf eyed the pregnant Zelda uneasily before continuing. "Before Brawl began, Pikachu and I were talking and I may have...lied about getting treats...by ruling the world..."

…

…

"Come on! I thought it was funny at the time! Who knew this would happen? Please don't hurt me!" Ganondorf asked, holding his arms up to defend himself. However, nobody moved forward to kill him or maim him as Falcon had been so many times.

Zelda raised an eyebrow coolly. "Not even I could have seen this coming. It's not your fault," she assured.

"Really? Then I should probably also say I spiked the punch to get back at Olimar," Ganondorf explained.

"YOU DIE FOR MY PAIN!" Zelda screamed, already beating a sobbing Ganondorf with her shoe.

The top eight that were present gathered for a quick meeting. "Well-a, how about Samus and Link-a got stop-a Pikachu, Fox and-a DK stop Pit, and Luigi and I will-a stop Marth. Everybody else help make sure nobody-a dies," Mario cared.

"Some random soldier just killed our author," Lucas called.

"He doesn't-a count. Let's a go!" Mario ordered.

With a vague plan in mind the Smashers split up and headed towards their various locations. Link and Samus took off ready to kill any soldier that attempted to deal with them. However, none of them even lifted a finger against them, choosing instead to invade and pillage buildings and steal toilet paper. The two traded a glance before the Black Knight moved towards them.

"High General Aran, Emperor Pikachu requests your presence," the Black Knight greeted. He glanced at Link. "Your sex slave is permitted to come."

Link started; he hadn't heard that before. Samus shook her head in exasperation as they were brought a transport to reach Pikachu. The four minute ride was awkward, considering they were trying to kill or stop the soldiers bringing them there. Not to mention the soldiers referred to Samus as High General Aran and Link as High General Aran's sex slave.

They reached Pikachu's flagship and went aboard. Pikachu was standing in his little captain's chair when they walked in, shouting orders to his subordinates.

"Pika pikachu!" he shouted. _The world will be mine finally! Oh, High General; how's your sex slave? _Link sighed and dropped his head, cheeks turning red. He was glad no one else was there to hear that.

"Pikachu, I need to tell your something," Samus explained. Finally, her friend was going to be free of his madness...

"Pony hairball," Crazy Hand said, poofing into existence. She snapped her fingers and everyone on the ship except for Pikachu, Link, and Samus turned into bird droppings.

...or not.

"Pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi pi!" Pikachu shouted. _Butthole!_

"Crazy Hand, now is_ not_ the time," Samus warned.

Crazy Hand was silent for a second, and then summoned a desert eagle and picked it up. "I want my favor," Crazy Hand explained.

Samus thought hard for a long time. Then she remembered that she had agreed to owe Crazy Hand a favor all the way back in the first story, when Crazy Hand had saved them from the Hydra. It was a disgusting memory, which probably explained why Samus had forgotten it.

"You're kidding me," Samus muttered. "_Now_? Why does everything hate me?"

"Take two steps right," Crazy ordered.

"Fine," Samus grumbled. She moved the two steps over, folded her arms, and faced Crazy Hand. "Now what?"

"That was it," Crazy explained.

"...Oh."

It kind of made sense that all Crazy Hand would want that for a favor. Samus felt a little bit better; things might go their way.

Crazy Hand fired her Desert Eagle at Samus.

The bounty hunter flinched, only to see Link's body dropping in front her. She screamed as a pool emerged around his body.

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Link jerked to the side, nearly falling out of his chair. Mario glanced oddly at Link next to him. The swordsman frowned and looked around; hadn't he died? But he was sitting in the main room of the Smash Mansion everyone else, while Master Hand was on stage.

Confused, he turned to Samus next to him. "Samus, what's going on?" he asked.

"Shut up pointy ears and stop being smart," she shot back.

Link flinched away from her, hurt filling his features. He barely heard Master Hand going on, "Anyway, the reason I have called you here is on Trainer Red's behalf, who is currently serving as the fifth seat. Somebody has, eh, well, I'll let him explain..."

"Samus, don't you..." Link trailed off, eyes pained.

She gave him a weird look. "What's wrong with you?" she asked, looking as bewildered as he was hurt.

Red was on stage now. "Someone has insulted me and my Pokemon," he declared. Link was faintly listening this time and recognized that saying. He looked around and realized where he'd seen this image before.

By now Mario and a few others had noticed Link's strange behavior. "Link, what's-a going on?" Mario asked. Red looked over in confusion as Link disrupted the meeting.

Link on his part had stood up by now to look over everyone gathered. They were all sitting in so familiar a pattern...

"Link? What's up?" Toon Link asked. Link didn't say anything but instead closed his eyes and focused. Everything around him dimmed in lighting as his menu was brought up over his eyes. He looked at it and the Smashers watched his jaw drop. Link's eyes remained fixed on the screen. It read, _Last Save: To Be Rated or Not, Chapter 1_.

"Hey, what's he doing hogging my meeting?" Master Hand asked. Link's eyebrow twitched.

"MOTHER F—"


	11. Sabotage in the Mansion

A/N: Time loop crap; it easily has some of the most potential for funny things. Also, I realized what my line break was meant to be: Flashback Kirby. The site just deletes the arms.

To Be Rated or Not

Chapter 1

Sabotage in the Mansion

"LINK!" Peach shouted, slapping her hands over Pit's ears. It had the unintended effect of knocking the angel out. "Why would you use such language?"

"He mad, girlfriend," Marth answered for Link.

Link himself was too busy trying to think of the next thing that would properly express how he felt. He had suffered strange events before, but never had he suffered something like this. Save files for digital characters, especially for high profile people like the Smashers, were supposed to be perfect and impossible to break. Yet he had just so much that mattered to him...

Zelda gave Link a puzzled look as she used the Triforce of Wisdom to peek at Link's menu screen. "What's wrong? Nothing looks out of order," she noted. Toon Link looked at Link's menu too, since he was the same person as Link but sort of not at the same time—why do I always try to explain that?

"It... didn't save..." Link trailed off.

"That's because the day hasn't ended yet?" Zelda answered, sounding unsure herself. What was Link getting at?

"But... TWO YEARS!" Link shouted, making everybody jump. "I just lost two years!"

"What are you talking about? Your save is right on with the rest of us," Fox pointed out.

"No! I, I... Farore," Link muttered. He really didn't know how to explain it, and the rest of the Smashers continued to stare at him. "That's not what I remember last. Two years had past and my save reset to now."

…

"You sure?" Marth asked. "Boy you sound kinda crazy."

Link opened his mouth to argue, but an alarm went off before he could. The Smashers all went on the alert as red lights flashed and sirens blazed. After a couple of seconds, a computerized voice sounded all over the mansion. It took Link a while to figure out what he was saying, but when he did he was silently cursing.

"Warning: Error. Character missing data," the computer stated. "Warning: Error. Character missing data."

The Hero of Just About Everything hoped it didn't happen and it did anyway. Blocky red letters appeared above his head that drew attention to him and were hard to miss. Link glanced up at the words and felt panic from the sight of them. It read, 'Corrupted.'

The rest of the Smashers turned slowly to Link, getting ready for a fight.

"Link, take it-a easy," Mario assured, like he was talking to a frenzied animal. "We don't-a want this to turn-a ugly." He slowly stepped towards Link.

Link hadn't drawn his sword, but his hand was on it. "Hey, I'm not malfunctioning. I know what I remember," he retorted.

"Of course you do," Peach said calmly.

It was blatantly obvious they were trying to keep him calm to bring him in. Link knew what happened on the rare case a character was labeled corrupted. They were to be brought to Nintendo headquarters and ran a diagnostic on, so that they could reverse the corruption. Sometimes it worked. Other times... there was a reason some people never restarted after dying.

Link was the second seat in all of Nintendo; they wouldn't give up on fixing him so easily. But he knew that there wasn't anything to fix, which meant that eventually, they'd have to lock him up or put him down gently. And Link couldn't accept that. _I'm stuck back in time, which means something's wrong. And I have to fix it, if only so Samus will recognize me again_.

Ganondorf stomped his foot. "Screw this. We can just bruise him up a little," Ganondorf said. He moved at Link, the Triforce of Power surging. Link tensed as Ganondorf charged ahead of everyone else, but his eyes were briefly distracted before he drew. Pikachu was on Samus's shoulder, just behind Ganondorf. Link saw an opportunity to take Ganondorf down without attacking him for once.

"Ganondorf was the one who told Pikachu about world domination!" Link shouted.

The King of Evil stopped in his tracks as gazes switched to him, especially Pikachu's best friend, Samus. Ganondorf swallowed nervously as he heard the whine of Samus's cannon charging, and then glared at Link.

As Samus leapt at Ganondorf with a look of death, he gave his last words. "You pointy eared sucking el—AUGH!"

Link saw his opportunity to possibly escape, and did what he knew the Smash Mansion had an affinity for: chaos. "Yoshi was the one who defiled Charizard!" he shouted.

Yoshi paled as Red howled after him. Mario saw what he was doing and tried to move in to stop Link.

"Mario, your six minutes are up!" Link said, dodging a punch. Mario's eyes widened, and he was gone with Peach in a second. Link went for the killer next that would send all the men into panic and give him his chance to escape. The only three he'd have to outrun were Zelda, Samus, and Lyn, and he had an ace up his sleeve for that too.

The Hero of Just About Everything side-stepped Ike's swing and opened his mouth. "Captain Falcon..." Link began, and then stopped. _That was right; Captain Falcon hadn't been castrated yet. Which means he's 'prowling'... Samus!_

He turned his eyes to the zero suit bounty hunter beating down on Ganondorf; Captain Falcon was sneaking up behind her. Link's eyes narrowed. Samus may not even care about a single cell in his body—whatever a cell was—but that didn't mean he didn't love her. And he would rather be subjected to castration by ROB and Lightning combined than let her be Up+B.

Link ignored Lucario's attack and dashed towards Samus with all he could muster. The bounty hunter saw him and brought up her guard, but Link ran past her. Then she felt the heat of an unmistakable move. Samus whipped around to see Link being Up+B by Captain Falcon, getting there in the last second to take Samus's place.

Captain Falcon finished the move, feeling dirty. "Huh. Falcon...weird. Falcon confused," he muttered, looking at his hands. He realized Link was looking at him, eyes as black as his evil self.

Suddenly the Master Sword was pointed at Falcon's throat. "You won't touch her," he declared, and proceeded to summon the Fierce Deity's Mask, Majora's Mask, Fused Shadows, and Four Sword. Falcon peed himself.

Carefully Link put his Mary Sue powers away. Then Link turned back to Samus. "And you," he said; Samus readied herself for a fight. "I love you."

Then Link cupped Samus's chin and planted one right on her.

Samus barely had time to get over the shock before Ike brought his sword down on Link's head, knocking him out. While Olimar and his Pikmin carried Link away, Ike held Ganondorf back from taking cheap shots, and Toon Link trying to 'save' himself with Zelda stopping him, Samus touched her lips. _...He _kissed_ me._

(**)

Link sat in the middle of his cell, arms wrapped around himself in a straitjacket. His weapons and endless equipment had been taken and placed in a chest outside, with hundreds of Pikmin standing guard. Between them and the hundreds more with Olimar down the hall, he didn't have a chance of getting out. Fighting Olimar and six Pikmin was one thing; fighting thousands of little things crawling over you and cutting you up was another thing.

"So this is the end then," Link muttered. "My last two years stolen from me and me eventually going to be put down. Fate must hate me."

"Not quite," a female voice said. "The author's just a #%^&*."

The hero looked up to see Crazy Hand floating in his cell. She looked down at him dispassionately, or at least he assumed what was dispassionately. He had decidedly passionate feelings towards the mindless hand.

"You," he stated.

"Me," she agreed.

"This is your fault. If you hadn't shot me in the future, I wouldn't be here. And I have the bad feeling you messed with my save file," Link accused.

"Huh, you aren't so dumb as people say. Guess that dungeon work wasn't just a guess," Crazy Hand said.

"Wait you did that on purpose! I'm going to kill you when—wait. Am I having a rational conversation with you?" Link asked.

Crazy Hand laughed in his face. "Oh please. And I just complimented your intelligence too," she insulted.

"What? But you're talking like a regular person."

"No I'm not. I'm still talking absolutely bonkers. The difference is you can understand me," Crazy Hand explained.

Link blinked in confusion; last he checked, he still only had the Triforce of Courage. He checked again just to make sure. "So then how can I understand you?" Link asked.

"Because you're absolutely bonkers too. It makes sense that crazy people can understand other crazy people. In fact to everyone else who isn't crazy you sound like you're rambling nonsense too," Crazy Hand explained, as though it was the easiest thing in the world. Link at this point decided not to go against it. For a few seconds.

"Hey! How am I crazy?" he defended.

"You have corrupted data," Crazy Hand teased. At Link's glare, she added, "You're also in love. People in love are crazy, too."

Link couldn't deny that one. "So why did you do all this then? I lost everything right when we were about to set it right, and Samus..."

"Because everything would have eventually been destroyed and it had to be set right. Why else would I do it? For sugar cookies? I take it back; you're an idiot at this stuff after all," Crazy Hand said. "Trust me as an being of near omnipotent power. The world was set to burn at this date, and you have to change things to fix it."

"So it's Termina all over. I hated that game. And I really hate the moon," Link muttered. "Well how am I supposed to set things right? I'm stuck in here. And why can't you do it?"

"Puppy?" Crazy Hand said, lifting an eyebrow. Link sighed. _Great, I'm becoming less crazy so I can't understand her._

Crazy Hand winked—an impressive feat—and disappeared. Behind where she had been standing was Samus, outside the bars. Link's face filled with hope before falling; after all, she didn't remember him and she would probably kill him for that kiss.

Samus folded her arms—back in her armor—and stared Link down. "You kissed me," she stated. "Why?"

"I love you," Link said, and then caught himself. "I did, I guess. Those years got taken away."

Samus stared him down again, letting silence permeate the air. "You really think you're not corrupted," she noted.

"I know I'm not," Link retorted.

His sheer confidence surprised her a little, and she shook her head. _What's going on? Ever since this pointy eared elf kissed me, I've been tempted to do it back. I should be tempted to kick his groin into his brain. I need answers_. The third seat of Nintendo focused her attention to Link again.

"You say you're not crazy then," Samus remarked. She tilted her head. "Who's Adam?"

To Link's credit, he almost hid the shiver.

"You're not going to..._call him_, are you?" Link whispered.

Samus sighed; she had never mentioned him ever to the other Smashers. Link definitely more than he should. And that look in his eyes... _not to mention that quiver in my heart. I want answers._

"Fine," she snapped, and Link looked at her in surprise. "I'll give you two days to prove you aren't crazy. Then you're back in here."

The look of relief she got made her feel odd; she wasn't used to that look. "Thank you," Link sighed.

"Don't thank me just yet," Samus said. She charged her cannon and broke open Link's cell before slashing open his straitjacket. Alarms went off as she tossed his sword and shield to him. "Now we have to get past hundreds of Pikmin."

Link looked at the approaching swarm and then smiled. He put a hand on her shoulder; Samus was surprised by his sudden touch. "I've got this," he said. "At least, my soul has this." Samus frowned at Link in confusion. Then she remembered.

Toon Link and Link were the same person. Why didn't they think that they shared brainwaves now and then?

Toon Link jumped onto Olimar as the rest of the Smashers arrived to back up the space captain. "I call for your assistance!" Toon Link shouted. There was silence as everyone watched him, including the Pikmin. Then the ground began to rumble. It increased as one of the walls began to fall apart. Then it shattered, revealing Toon Link's assistance.

The Minish had come.

"For Toon Link!" the Minish shouted, swarming the complex. The Pikmin and Smashers were completely surprised and overwhelm by the Minishes' superior numbers. Despite being so much smaller than Pikmin, they swarmed them the way Pikmin swarmed everyone else. The Smashers weren't much better off.

Link and Samus traded a look. "Let's go," Link said. "Toon Link will be okay." As if in agreement, the kid grinned and gave them a thumbs up. Soon the two were off through the wall made.

Meanwhile, the Minish continued their raid long after Link and Samus had gone. But then the inevitable happened as a group of Minish attacked red and yellow Pikmin. They noticed their gender.

"Attention my people!" a Minish shouted, and they paused.

"Who made you our leader? I thought we were autonomous!"

"No we're not! We're allied with Toon Link and his soul!"

"He's a dear ally, not our lord and king! How can Toon Link be king anyway? No moistened b#$% lobbed a scimitar at him."

"Silence! I meant it as a dear of fellows!" the first Minish interrupted. "Now listen to my announcement! Behold! These red and yellow ones are women!"

…

…

…

"WOMEN!" the Minish cheered. Three minutes later, the Minish had left, taking all the red and yellow Pikmin with them.

As Toon Link was apprehended by a stern looking Zelda, the rest of the Smashers looked around. Olimar had no Pikmin left between the dead and the stolen women. Fox frowned. "What just happened?" he asked.


	12. Divergent Timeline

A/N: There is a reference to something else in here. I wonder if you can catch it.

Chapter 2

Divergent Timeline

"So is there any reason why the sight of Minish carrying away Pikmin while screaming women didn't bother you?" Samus asked, pausing for a moment. While they had been escaping, the Minish had overtaken them and carried on towards the woods, Pikmin women in hand. Samus had been unnerved by the sight, but Link looked completely at ease with it. She had started to question his sanity.

"I've seen stranger sights," he explained. At her posture, he added, "You did too."

Samus almost asked what had they 'seen' but thought better of it. If Link was right and this was the future he remembered, then technically it didn't have to happen again and she never had to even think of it. So instead the bounty hunter summoned her ship.

The two climbed on board and it lifted off into the sky, waiting for a destination. "Where exactly did you want to go?" Samus asked. "I mean if we went back in time, didn't everywhere else?"

Link stared at a map on a screen. Samus shook her head at his behavior as he continued to examine the power grid. He might be crazy, but technology-savvy he wasn't. Then Link spun around towards her. "That's it! Wonderland!" he declared.

"Wonderland?"

"Time doesn't exist in Wonderland. So they couldn't have been sent back in time because they don't have time," Link explained. "Mark had been there, so they should remember him."

Samus tried to think about it but ended up with a headache. So instead she set the destination in her ship's computer and sat back in her chair. After a while, she caught Link watching her with a look in his eye. It startled her a little; she hadn't had someone look that kindly at her in a while.

"What?" she asked gruffly. Link started and looked away.

"Sorry," he apologized, scratching the back of his head. "I forgot you don't remember."

Samus was startled again as she realized that his kind look had been a loving look. Uncertain about how to respond, she settled for turning back ahead, mumbling.

They sailed along for awhile before Samus thought of another question. "So if you know the future, what's happening at the mansion right now?" she asked.

Link thought briefly. "They're probably castrating Falcon."

"Huh. About time."

"Yeah... it didn't go so well last time."

"What happened?"

(**)

"Marth!" Fox shouted in agony, clutching himself protectively. "WHY? WHY?" Marth shrugged, personally undisturbed by what he had done. Then again, he wasn't quite right at the moment, even for Marth.

It had started when Captain Falcon had used Up+B on Lyn while she was trying to take a shower. While Ike had defended his girlfriend's honor using Hell Aether the top eight—minus Link and Samus—had agreed that Falcon would be castrated. They were about to choose ROB for the dishonor when Marth showed up and agreed to do it. They had been surprised by another man's willingness to do the deed, but weren't about to argue it. Mario put it down to Marth's gangster prissyness.

That was their first mistake.

Their second was to leave Marth unsupervised.

Marth may not have evolved his punk, goth, frat, Sith, or any other aspects of his personality, but he still had loyalty, and he didn't like Falcon messing with his friends. So the prince had been placed alone in a room with Falcon. Then the nightmare began. Marth began by taking all the anesthetic he'd been given for the operation, making him more willing to care less and cause more pain. So the prince had grabbed acupuncture needles and used them on Falcon's manhood.

Falcon's screaming increased when Marth finished the deed by putting the offending anatomy in a metal grinder while still attached. The prince had been nice enough to bandage it after.

Every man in the room screamed in agony at the thought and began attacking anybody nearby in an attempt to defend their manhood. The only two men who weren't bothered were Marth, who was busy wearing off his high, and Ike, who was comforting a fetal position Lyn from Falcon's assault.

Marth watched as DK bashed Ness's head in with a cabinet while protecting himself, then frowned when he realized something. "B!$#!" Marth swore. "My comb be in that cabinet!"

(**)

"Eh, it probably won't be that bad this time," Samus offered. "Maybe this time ROB will know what anesthetic is."

"Hopefully," Link agreed. The ship reached Wonderland and set down in the nearest meadow.

Samus put her helmet on. "So who's Mark? I don't know that name," she said.

"He's a Fire Emblem tactician that becomes part of the staff later. Mark's one of those eerily genius people that..." Link's voice trailed off as the ship door opened. "...By Miyamoto. Mark."

The entirety of Wonderland was covered in a red substance,with footprints and slash marks visible everywhere. Samus knelt down slowly to touch it and realized that the red substance was what could only be called organic fluid. It wasn't hard to realize blood was a major factor of organic fluid. Nothing in Wonderland was alive; even Alice hadn't survived Mark's loss of temper. She did however retain something that looked like a corpse, which was more than could be said for everyone else.

Samus felt the urge to throw up and add to the mess. "Don't tell me Mark did this?" she asked. "Why would a psychopath be on our staff?"

"When they mentioned he had a temper, I never thought of this," Link muttered. "He even hacked and killed Wonderland's spirit, making it a normal place. By Farore, I think I'm going to be sick." He looked at his boots, covered in organic fluid, and nearly puked.

"Well Wonderland's out elf boy. What now, and fast," Samus pleaded.

"I wish I knew a song that could help. I have the Song of Healing, but it only heals injuries, not memories of the future," Link mumbled. "But I think I know someone who did have that song."

Samus used her cannon to blow some of the organic fluid off the ground for her stand; as it turned out the organic fluid was two feet deep. Standing in her safe place, she glared at Link. "Then get him. And this is your fault. I've seen enough trauma."

"So have I," Link muttered, climbing into the safe place with her. While Link thought a moment, Samus realized the distance between them. Impure thoughts entered her mind, and for some reason Samus wanted to have Link while he was bloodied. Before she could carry those thoughts out, Link shouted up to the air. "Kirby! We have food for you!"

The two looked down at a sound. Kirby was standing, looking adorable and pointing to his mouth.

"Wow, that was faster than I expected. Kirby, I do have food for you," Link said, thinking of his store of fish in bottles, "but first, I need you to spit out Beethoven."

Kirby frowned, but thought the deal was fair and spat out the skeleton. Beethoven still had a piece of paper clutched in his hand. Samus could only wonder how long Beethoven had been in there and if there would've been a tenth symphony if not for Kirby.

"He was getting bad tasting anyway," Kirby explained. He stared at Link. _Wasn't there something about him earlier..._ "Oh! Do you know why all the guys at the mansion are acting funny?"

"Huh?" Samus asked. Link looked ready to explain, but Kirby continued.

"They're all acting weird because Marth said he put Falcon's manhood through a grinder," Kirby explained. Half a nanosecond later Link was screaming, running around, and covering himself. "Kind of like that. So where's my food?"

Samus pointed to Link running around. However, Kirby was shorter than Samus by a lot and couldn't see properly. Instead he saw something else.

Excited, Kirby ran up to the organic fluid. "Cool! Is this lifeboat nectar?" he asked, and then without an answer began to devour every inch of organic fluid.

Samus couldn't take it; she puked. Kirby ate that too. He also at her ship before leaving. Once Samus was over her sick feeling, she grabbed Link and punched common sense into him. "Hurry up; I need to lay down," she muttered. "This is all your fault."

"Not it's not, actually. It's the author's."

"Well he's a f#$%^#$%^ loon."

Link nodded, tried not to think about where the organic fluid was and why Kirby was gone, and played the Song of Healing for Beethoven. After the magical tune was finished, Beethoven's skeleton got up and dusted itself off.

The Hero of Everything frowned; why wasn't Beethoven fully alive? He looked at his ocarina and was surprised to see text. _Want to see your target come fully back to life? Pay $5.99 now and upgrade to the full version of the Song of Healing? _Link groaned; stupid in-story costs.

Beethoven looked around before looking at Link, as if to ask, _Why am I not making music, elf boy?_

"Beethoven, I brought you back to life because we need your help. Samus is missing memories, and we were wondering if you could help us restore them through a song," Link explained.

Samus decided to stop worrying about the madness as Beethoven nodded and pulled a piano out of nowhere. She'd already seen worse, and suddenly being onstage at a theater wasn't too bad. Meanwhile, Beethoven had begun to play a melody. He may have been a skeleton, but he still had it. He played out a tune for Link to copy. After several tries, Link did.

Link learned the Song of Remembrance!

Beethoven's skeleton decided it'd had enough, and left. Link turned towards Samus. "Well? What are you waiting for?" Samus asked.

Link smiled. "Still the same, Samus," he muttered, causing her to raised her eyebrows behind her visor. Then he lifted his ocarina up and played the Song of Remembrance. When it was over, Link glanced at Samus. "Well?" he asked.

…

…

...

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	13. Snugglebunnies

A/N: I didn't mean to write this. I had no intention whatsoever to write this. But as I was sitting here, looking for something new to amuse myself, I remembered the Smash Bros section. I missed you guys a little, and so I thought I come back for a little visit.

And then I saw people doing the commentaries for "Missohn from God." Against my better judgment, I read it.

I think I cried a little. It's hard to tell when you're in the midst of an aneurism.

And then I thought of this story, which I hadn't updated in eons and had been willing to leave to die. But after reading that, I felt I had to cleanse myself somehow. So I dug this up as an apology for never finishing, and because that horrid Sue gave me so many ideas.

Chapter 3

Snugglebunnies

"Well?" Link asked.

"...Who are you?" Samus asked, pointing her cannon at Link.

Link couldn't say anything; confusion wracked his face and he couldn't think of what to say. A large part of this was that he was scared of what might happen. The second was Samus's idea of pointing her cannon at meant pressing it into his throat.

"Samus, it's me, Link," Link tried, slowly moving her cannon off his throat.

Samus narrowed her eyebrows, trying to think. Then she got it. "Ah. I remember that name from my notes on the upcoming tournament. But why are you here? And why am I not on my ship?"

"_Upcoming?_" Link repeated panicked. He glanced over at his ocarina in his hand. There was a disclaimer on it again. Warning: may cause memory loss when played with an ocarina.

Link could've sworn, except he didn't want to upset a confused Samus who didn't even know who he was now. He tried to swallow the heartbreak and plowed onward.

"Samus, when is your last memory?" Link asked.

"Now? The Smash tournament starts in two weeks," Samus said.

"...Samus, I have some news for you. The tournament actually ended several years ago. The date's set during the third tournament," Link explained.

Samus narrowed her eyes at Link. "Don't move," she ordered as she looked at her suit's recording. After a moment, she lowered her gun and slowly took her helmet off. "I... I really don't remember. That's weird," she muttered.

"I know this is strange, but if you could just bear through with me..." Link started, but was cut off when Samus began to crawl on top of him.

"Strange... you have the most beautiful eyes..." Samus purred, tracing a finger on his chest.

Link's face flushed. He loved Samus, but he didn't think that was what this was about. He glanced at his ocarina again as Samus wrapped her arms around his neck, her armor coming off. Warning: May work as an aphrodisiac in Chozo-raised women. "Screw me," Link cursed.

"No problem."

(**)

Things weren't going so well at the Smash Mansion, though if one had to compare their experiences, Link was getting the better end of the deal. The hydra had attacked and without Link to deflect the blow, had eaten Zelda. Toon Link was distraught, and the Smashers disheartened.

They were losing badly to the three headed monster. Without Link and Samus, they were missing a lot of strength, and not even Marth's attempts to slap the monster worked properly when there were more heads than he had hands.

"What are the-a odds that-a Kirby isn't hungry?" Mario lamented, watching the pink puffball stand there with a blank look on his face. Mario grabbed another fire flower, but a beat up hand stopped him from making his attack.

"I got this," Ganondorf said. He stepped past Mario, still bearing the wounds from Samus and the chaos of Falcon's operation. He cracked his neck. "You see, Link got my butt kicked just now. Really, really bad. For a joke that I meant no harm by. And normally, I would have murdered him in his cell, but he escaped. And the only one who can find him is in that hydra."

"Give me one reason why I should trust you, villain!" Toon Link shouted. Ganondorf looked at Link's younger self and snapped his fingers. The Triforce of Power glowed to life and the hydra exploded, leaving Zelda protected in a crystal.

"That's a good reason," DK noted.

"How is that a good reason to trust him? No, really: how? That technically didn't prove anything?" Fox asked.

"Would you rather he brought it back?" Wolf said.

"Fair enough," Fox grumbled.

Ganondorf grinned at his superiority while the children poked the hydra's pieces around the area. A hungry Yoshi, making sure not to be seen by Red, took a few bites for himself.

"Any reason why you waited to do that?" Pit asked. "We were fighting it for about an hour just now."

"It had to charge. I did get beat up not too long ago," Ganondorf said. "At least you guys didn't cut off its heads and make more heads. Then its lifeforce would've been too strong for that."

"So it's-a good thing Link-a wasn't-a here," Mario said. "He would-a tried that-a instantly."

"Yep. Also I'm taking Zelda to find Link and kill him," Ganondorf said. He grabbed the crystal Zelda was still stuck in and flew away. Or at least he tried. Snake, the quick thinking mercenary that he was, fired his rocket launcher at Ganondorf. It connected, but instead of an explosion, Ganondorf was tagged by something small and beeping.

"What was that?" Peach asked, concerned for Zelda. Snake said nothing, but put on sunglasses.

The bright mushroom cloud that struck Ganondorf nearly killed all of them, but Snake lit up a cigarette and stared right into it.

Fox coughed as the dust slowly settled. His hair was stiff and sharp, and his eyes were painfully red. "I thought you stopped nuclear bombs, not set them off," he huffed.

"He's the King of Evil, and I don't see Link here to stop him," Snake said.

"Maybe because that explosion knocked everyone down and destroyed the Mansion?" Fox asked. Snake looked at where their home used to be. It was completely flat and devoid of any man-made objects. In fact, the only landmark of note now was the crater that Ganondorf had made when he crashed into the ground. Zelda, still stuck in the crystal, was fine.

"Maybe that was a little overkill," Snake admitted. "But were we really in any trouble?"

Just then, a horn sounded. The Smashers pulled themselves to their feet and turned to see an army of mindless drones coming towards them. At their front was a man in a business suit.

"Fools! Followers of faithless and traitors! Weak souls!" the man declared.

"I want to call him mean, but we did just nuke our own mansion," Pit mumbled.

"I... am the executive of the ESRB Corporate Board, and I am here to claim my revenge!" the man shouted.

The Smashers all looked at Snake. He sighed. "Just don't Falcon me," he said, pointing at the weeping mess off to the side.

Mario looked at the Executive. "Can you-a give us a moment?" he asked.

(**)

Link lay very, very still. Samus was passed out on top of him. He wasn't sure what her state of mind would be when she woke up, but he did suspect that the Song of Remembrance would have worn off by then. And when it did, Samus would blame him, and then probably Falcon him.

Not that he hadn't enjoyed the experience, but Link did want to survive past it. He had a future to get to again and save.

But Samus was a light sleeper, and he couldn't exactly move without waking her up. So Link waited, hoping to Miyamoto and Iwata that she rolled over. At least it gave him time to think.

_The way I see it, I either have to get back in my own personal timeline so that everything can be fixed. Then again, my timeline was also about to self-destruct, so maybe Crazy Hand sent me back to make sure we can't go to war with everyone and ourselves. In either case, how do I convince everyone to stand down? And why does it have to be me?_

_ Okay, so if I went back in time, that means the Executive is about to attack the Smash Mansion. Even if my data's 'corrupted,' I need to get back there. Otherwise who's going to help find the artifacts to stop—there's an idea. I can get the artifacts myself, stop the Executive, and use the surprise to get Kirby to spit out Mewtwo. He can read my mind and prove me right. Then we can prepare for the Red Ring of Death properly, and without incident. That way Congress won't subpoena us._

_ Now to make sure Samus doesn't kill me_.

Link moved his free arm to reach for his bottomless pocket. Maybe, just maybe, if he played the Song of Remembrance with something other than an ocarina, Samus would remember everything. Or at least the last three years. He felt around in his pocket for anything that resembled an instrument, but he didn't have any. All of his other instruments were still back at the Mansion.

The Hero of Time thought about what else he could use—maybe bang his sword against various parts of the ground—when he heard footsteps. Someone was approaching. Then was the time to panic. Just because Mark's massacre had been enough to slaughter Wonderland for all time didn't mean people remembered that. And now, someone was going to find two naked people passed out in the field and ask why.

Samus would hear that and wake up. Samus would murder Link.

Link debated how far he could make it if he ran, only to realize the person was standing over them. Link stared at the person.

It was Mark.

Mark looked at the sleeping Samus, then at Link, and then around at where Wonderland was supposed to be. Thankfully, Mark was more than smart enough to figure out not to wake Samus. "Where is Wonderland?" Mark whispered.

"You destroyed it. Utterly," Link whispered back.

"I have no recollection of this," Mark said. He thought for .57 seconds. "I did this in the future, didn't I."

"A future. I got sent back in time to try to prevent a future where everything falls apart," Link said. "Do you have a musical instrument?"

Mark said nothing but examined Samus. If it wasn't for the fact Link knew how Mark was, he might feel a little angry. Instead, Mark spoke. "She's Chozo-raised. You played the Song of Remembrance on an ocarina."

"Yes."

"Fool."

"I know. Do you have a musical instrument?" Link asked again.

Mark ignored him. He sat down in the grass next to Link. "Tell me first your story," Mark said.

Link sighed, but he didn't have much of a choice. Hoping Samus didn't wake up on her own, he whispered to Mark the old timeline he'd been sent back from, and what had happened since. Mark frowned.

"If not for Wonderland being absent, I'd call you corrupted and wake the Chozo-raised. But your story matches up," Mark said.

"Matches up to what?" Link asked.

"My predictions of how everything will end," Mark said.

Link thought about that. That meant that Mark had known _everything_ that was going to happen since the ESRB incident. And yet not even he had been able to stop it. So what choice did Link have?

"Wait, why didn't you ever warn us?" Link asked.

"Predictions say you would have laughed in my face, and Donkey Kong would have thrown poop in my face," Mark said. It was a good point, again.

"Fine. Now do you have a musical instrument?" Link asked.

Mark scowled a little. "Why not whistle?" he asked, and walked away, making plans and new predictions in his head. Link was still, and then considered beating his head in the ground. Especially when Samus started to stir.


	14. Well What Now?

Chapter 4

Well What Now?

At the edge of a crater, ROB and Olimar examined Zelda in her crystal, trying to figure out how to release her. Normally, Ganondorf's magic wore off when he was defeated, but he had cast that spell under unique circumstances. Several methods had already been tried and failed. Among them were a chisel, jackhammer, sledgehammer, laser, beam sword, home run bat, and even a couple fire flowers out of desperation. Short of dropping Bowser on it from high up, the pair were running out of ideas.

Ganondorf, as punishment for trying to run away with a captured Zelda, was left groaning at the bottom of the crater. He had been of minimal assistance against the ESRB army earlier.

Snake had gotten the crap beaten out of him for destroying the Smasher's only defensive structure—and the landscape—for over a mile. Then he was forced to keep an eye on Captain Falcon. It wasn't hard, since Falcon only cried and wandered aimlessly, but it was agonizing to behold.

Most of the Smashers were busy, either digging ditches and building up dirt walls as some sort of defense, or trying to rig up communications with anything in range. Even Falco and Wolf were having trouble reaching their ships thanks to the radiation. At one point, Peach had suggested they leave the radiated zone, but Marth refused. The radiation was adding a lovely sheen to his hair and he didn't want to lose it. After what the Executive had said to Marth, no one wanted to argue with him.

Finally, there was the Top Eight. Or at least, the Reformed Top Eight. With Link corrupted, Samus kidnapped, and Pikachu's crushed spirit over the lack of infinite treats, Mario had to bump some heads around. First was Mario, naturally. Then to replace Link was Toon Link, because replacing the swordsman with a cartoonish younger version of himself was the best they could do without Zelda. To replace Samus, Mario had brought in Luigi. His brother was technically ninth in line, after all. Fox retained his fourth seat, and Lucario had taken Pikachu's fifth spot. DK was still sixth, but Metaknight was filling in for Kirby. The pink puffball was busy eating the dead mindless drones from their earlier battle. And finally, Pit in all his innocence was the eighth seat.

They were gathered off to the side so as to tempt less people to eavesdrop, using a pair of mindless drones as a table. "So let's get this straight," Toon Link said. He was standing as tall as he could in an attempt to seem more mature. Metaknight thought Toon Link was reminding him who was taller and thought him a jerk. "The ESRB is really mad because they're evil now. And we beat up their guys, but he left to get stronger guys," Toon Link summarized.

"Also, the Executive controls paper," Fox said, resting his head in his hands and his elbows on their makeshift table. "Meanwhile, Link and Samus are awol, Ganondorf's beat up, Zelda's stuck in a crystal, the mansion's gone, Red' s Charizard is close to giving birth, and someone called Marth gay to his face."

"So should-a we pack our-a bags and get-a running?" Luigi said.

"We're warriors! We can't just surrender," Metaknight argued. "All that would accomplish would be dying slowly and preventing anyone else from getting a fighting chance."

"Lucario Lucario car car lu. Lucario," Lucario pointed out. _And yet there's no defensible position here anymore. The mansion's gone, remember?_

"Wonder who that's thanks to. I had five thousand bananas stored in my room," DK grumbled.

"But our rooms weren't refrigerated. Wouldn't they have been inedible?" Pit asked.

"Who says I eat them!" DK shouted, slamming his hands on the makeshift table. The dead mindless drones slid a foot into the earth.

"...Disturbing," Fox said. "But back to the problem at hand. What if we call some of the other consoles for help? This a general problem."

"And where would we put them?" Metaknight asked. "Unless you suggest we start offering pokeballs as places to stay.

"Rio car!" Lucario defended. _You guys are not bunking with me in there I just got everything the way I liked it!_

"Maybe this is unimported right now," Toon Link said, still trying to stand up straight. "But can we go look for my brother? And Miss Samus? Maybe they can defeat the bad guys."

"Toon Link, your brother's several words that I-a can't-a say in front-a Pit," Mario explained. "And we have-a no way of-a tracking them."

"Lady Palutena says bad words are the poop Medusa leaves upon the world," Pit supplied.

"Don't look now, but I think Kirby's trying to eat Zelda," Metaknight said.

An argument broke out as everyone began speaking over each other. Toon Link jumped onto the makeshift table and Metaknight flew up, tired of being the shortest one. DK insisted he needed bananas to Lucario, who in turn called DK an addict. Fox sighed.

Luigi sighed as well, and then an idea struck him. "Hey, I got an idea," he said. "We need a place to stay so we can have-a defenses and bring other-fighters over to help-a us. Why not relocate-a to Bowser's castle-a?"

"Why?" Mario asked suspiciously.

"It's a floating castle over-a lake-a lava and brimstone," Luigi pointed out.

"It's-a Bowser's castle," Mario insisted.

"Mario, your brother's made the only decent point today. Either we pack up to somewhere we stand a chance, or you can kiss your six minute adventures goodbye," Fox said.

"Let's-a go!" Mario cheered. The Top Eight ended their meeting to spread the news, and Pit tugged on DK's arm.

"What's a six minute adventure? Can I go on one?" Pit asked innocently. DK screamed in terror of Pit losing his innocence and ran off before Palutena could decide he was corrupting Pit. Elsewhere, Marth screamed as he realized the radiation was making his hair fall out.

(**)

Link had never whistled faster in his life as Samus stirred to life. It was good thing he already knew the melody, because if he had missed even one note, he wouldn't have had enough time to start over. Right as Samus became coherent and realized what had happened, Link finished the Song of Remembrance, and magic enveloped Samus. It lifted her off of him and thankfully out of arm's reach as the Song did its work, properly this time.

At least Link hoped so. The Song of Remembrance finished whatever it had done and the magic disappeared, leaving Samus standing over Link. Link realized he should have gotten dressed in that time, or at least stood up. "Samus?" Link asked.

Samus said nothing, but glared down at Link. There was a tense silence as Link wondered whether or not the song had worked this time. Then Samus grabbed Link by the throat, picked him up, and slugged him.

Link was a regular Hylian. Samus was infused with Chozo blood.

In other words, Link had to debate whether the fairies dancing around his vision were real.

Samus grabbed Link again and held him up, shaking the swordsman. "Don't you ever do that again!" she shouted at him.

The answer Link gave was lacking as he fought his newest concussion. "Huh?" he asked. He gasped for breath as Samus pulled him into a crushing embrace.

"I thought you were dead! Why didn't you block that shot? You're more than fast enough and strong enough to survive that! Why'd you just crumple like...like..." Samus muttered, squeezing Link tighter.

Link guessed Samus had her future memories. He was also almost out of air. Fortunately, his desperate effort to survive Samus's hug meant he kicked her shin by accident, and she noticed he was turning blue. Samus put him down and Link breathed.

"I guess you remember now," Link gasped. Samus watched him carefully, afraid he might pass out.

"Mostly. Some parts are fuzzy but I do remember watching my boyfriend get shot by Crazy Hand. Where is she? She'll wish she was a Metroid when I'm done with her," Samus hissed. She looked around, and then realized a simple fact. "Oh, right. Did we just do it? In the open?"

"Yes," Link said, hoping Samus didn't blame him. Thankfully, she really was back, and she sighed.

"You're not allowed to play that ocarina again," Samus grumbled. "Imagine if someone had seen." She was caught off guard as Link hugged her this time. It confused her at first, but then her memories of not remembering him came to mind. Link had thought he'd lost her, too, and now they were back. Hoping nobody noticed the two naked people in the field, Samus gave him a brief hug back.

They parted, and Samus still felt extremely self-conscious. Link picked up on what she was looking for and spotted their clothes. Despite Samus's brief aphrodisiac moment, their clothes were still in good condition. The two Smashers started getting dressed.

"So where is Crazy, then?" Samus asked, putting her armor on. "I want to kill her."

"Not quite," Link said. "She sent me back in time because the timeline was unstable. We have to fix it, somehow."

"Really?"

"Really."

"I still hate her," Samus muttered. "So we're during the ESRB incident, right? We just left the mansion because you were... are you corrupted?"

"Only because I remember the future. It happened during Termina," Link grumbled.

"Termina," Samus muttered. She checked her armor's computer. "That's the country you saved in three days. Wait, you were time-traveling then?"

"I relived those three days, yes," Link said hollowly.

"Then you're used to this—" Samus began, but Link cut her off.

"For twelve years," Link finished.

"...It took you _twelve years _to save Termina? Over the course of the _same three days_?" Samus said. Link looked her in the eye, and she saw a pit of absolute despair. She struggled to make sense of what Link said. "Why did it take so long?"

"Termina had a lot of academical puzzles," Link mumbled with the possessed look still in his eyes. "And I am _never_ going back."

"Right," Samus agreed. She tried to think what she would do if she were trapped in the same mission for twelve years, killing space pirates, Ridley, and metroids seemingly without end.

It didn't sound that bad.

"At least you know the basics of time travel, or whatever this is. According to the laws of science, restoring my memory the way you did is not only impossible, it's unheard of," Samus said. Link shrugged. To him, that was magic. "So what's your plan then, Link?"

"Get to the mansion, get Mewtwo, have him read my mind and prove I'm not corrupted," Link said. "Then we can use Pikachu's army... uh oh."

"I don't like that sound," Samus noted. She tried to think through the haze why that was a bad thing, and remembered what Link had done after returning back in time. "You disproved Pikachu's goals and now he probably doesn't have an army."

"Probably," Link said.

"Which means there's nothing to hold off the ESRB while we get the artifacts to summon Miyamoto and Iwata," Samus concluded. "We're all doomed."

"I didn't think of that," Link admitted. He had been more concerned with not being shipped away for testing and evaluation. "Then we should hurry back."

"Wait," Samus thought. "We know what's going to happen. Why not get the relics now and save time? We already know what we're after, right?"

"It took all three consoles companies working together last time," Link said. "Or is that still fuzzy?"

"Yes, although for some reason I want to punch Garrus," Samus growled. Another idea occurred to the bounty hunter. She checked her suit's armor, but the data didn't exist. She grumbled and tried checking for the data a different way.

Link saw Samus pushing buttons and knew he didn't have a clue as to what she was doing. He waited patiently for her to figure it out, and hoped no one else came to 'visit' Wonderland.

"Got it," Samus said. "We can get the relics ourselves and head back...with some backup."

"From who?" Link asked.

"I would've said from potential candidates for the next tournament, but that data doesn't exist on here, now," Samus said. Link couldn't see past her visor, but he suspected she was grinning. "But their names also existed on the list of people who didn't make the cut for this tournament."

Link's face was blank. Samus sighed.

"Let's go recruit the future Smashers," Samus tried.

Link's expression was a little more understanding, but still missing something. _No wonder it took him twelve years to save Termina_, Samus thought.

"Do you remember the list of names we were making for the next tournament? Let's find them and get them to help," Samus said.

"Oh. That works," Link said. Internally, he was wondering if half of those people existed at that point.


End file.
